Damn those pants are super tight , there is no way I would fit into them unless…
I better shape up.

The crime visor is the rich lady teardrop tattoo.

All of those people pleaded guilty, too! She’s digging herself into a big Becky-shaped hole and it’s amazing.

What kind of place must you be in your life to not make this kind of connection? Is there some sort of clinical term for this total lack of ability to reflect upon one’s self? Truly amazing.

Kris Jenner: “Hey Kanye, we think it would add a lot of drama to the show if you could say some ignorant and chauvinistic things about the way Kim is dressing for the Met gala. We’ll play up the tension and everyone will be talking about it the next day.”

Remember when we had some respect for Dr. Drew for his insightful dealings with callers dealing with issues and decent behavior, despite his physical adjancency to Adam Corolla?

It seems as if each day Rihanna gives me yet another reason to love her.  Today was one of those days. 

I know...I tell people I’m 48, but the reality is that I was born in March which mean’s I’m actually closer to 49 than I am to 48...it’s a lie I’ve had to live down daily...

Orphan remains my greatest moviegoing experience. It was just a so-so thriller, but at the big reveal a tween/early-teen girl sitting down the row from us stood up and shouted ESTHER GOT TITTIES at the top of her lungs. It was incredible and probably the hardest I’ve ever laughed in public.

These are easy and I don’t want to shame anybody, but Marcella Hazan’s 3 ingredient marinara is probably better, and is almost as easy as heating up jarred sauce. You barely even dirty a knife. It isn’t my favorite marinara recipe, but it is definitely a good replacement for jarred sauce.

This reminds me if a teacher I had in high school. She was in her 70s, tiny, and mean. But before class she would exasperatedly sigh and offer the class random life advice such as:

Do not vape, but snort adderall .

The extreme lack of chins on all their faces are a sufficient paternity test. 

Obama should get Trump’s travel plans and follow him everywhere. Just troll the fuck out of him until the election. Hands down the best plan. I’ll donate to this PAC every payday.

Clearly I need to get on this failing upward train. Because I keep mildly succeeding and let me tell you, that doesn’t get you anywhere in America.

I would kill to find out what Rapinoe and Macron spoke about during their extended handshake.

Hey now be nice. Don't you know who her father is?

So she makes a career contradicting everything she can to distract from her lack of intelligence.