I wish that instead of "wholeheartedly committed to raising their child" couples would say "aren't that interested in the baby and will likely let it become feral"

Wow. Just wow.

I don't think it's totally unreasonable to be nervous about handing your weeks-old baby to a babysitter you had to find within a week, though.

You mean to tell me that the guy who writes stories about attractive straight white people in love is RACIST and HOMOPHOBIC? Say it isn't so. Btw, since when did "I'm not a bigot, I have a gay Jewish lawyer!" become the new "I'm not racist, I have black friends"?

I had already been married for a couple of years when they announced they were filming the first Harry Potter. I am ancient. Please vacate my lawn.

Does it look like this?

I remember the nurse gently wiping my ass for me while I screamed at my husband, "LOOK AWAY, FOR GOD'S SAKE, LOOK AWAY".

Hitting on the gynecologist has to be the female version of hitting on the waitress.

Looks like somebody just got some seed money.

consenting adults, whatever 4 u but OH GOD

Having a copper IUD has made my period like 9+ days, so like is there a list of these dudes?

I have all y'all motherfuckers beat, because of my SECRET WEAPON: Multiple infections of Clostridium difficile. I have so many poop stories, you guys.

C. diff, for those of you who are (happily!) uninitiated, is a bacterial infection that causes you to shit, unpredictably and uncontrollably, a liquid that looks like…

I'm crying. I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. Oh god poor you but oh my god I can't stop laughing.

Ugh, I can't believe I'm about to share this.

I think I can win this.

I want to high-five your wife. Then my husband should high-five you because you've just given me an idea.

There's an engineer in my office who I find EXTREMELY attractive, on a really primal level, and all sorts of things about him, which I normally wouldn't find appealing, make me want to drag him into a conference room and screw him on top of a table. He's slightly pigeon-toed, which I find adorable. I like how I can…

Vernix caseosa = cheesy varnish in Latin. Grossest thing I've learned so far.

One of my best friends said after her first child she was afraid to go to the bathroom for a month or so because she was "afraid everything would just fall right out."

Oh, honey, I pooped on the table too. I asked my husband if it was a little one, like a hamster, and he said no. It's okay.