So in my head, this guy looks like this:

And it was ALL THE FAULT OF UPPITY WOMEN AND OBAMA.

We used to get the Washington Post, but it just … went too far for me. I couldn’t handle it anymore. [...] It was the treatment of almost any conservative issue. It was slanted and often nasty. And, you know, why should I get upset every morning? I don’t think I’m the only one. I think they lost subscriptions partly…

Oh, that's probably just your wandering womb talking.

People more intelligent than me also believed in bloodletting and a geocentric universe.

I like to think if the biblical Jesus existed and if he comes back, he looks for people like this jackass to line up first against the wall.

This will probably be identified by anyone who knew me in high school, but I will change names to protect the innocent.

When I was 9, I was so in love with Leo that my friend and I staged a "wedding." I wore my mom's wedding dress, had a bouquet, and our first dance was to Spice Girl's 2 Become 1 (no, I didn't understand what that song was about.) I wore a ring for weeks after that.

His name was Matt. He had dark eyes and eyelashes that brushed his cheeks when he smirked. He rode the hour long school bus commute everyday. I helped him (did) with his homework just to sit closer to him for at least a year. One day he asked me in a low, conspiratorial whisper, "The new girl is really stacked and…

I'm a liberal and I've dated both. It's a toss up.

Straight women and gay men,

A lot of people think it's strange that I keep my computer in my neighbor's pantry.

This is why.

I never go over there naked. No one eats pretzels naked.

"Won't allow her to be a dead starfish in bed"

And THIS, once again, is why boys need to be taught from a young age what rape is. Don't tell girls how to dress, or act, or walk, or whatever. Tell boys that unless you get a lucid and enthusiastic "yes", it is rape.

You can't even tell the difference between "there", "their", or "they're".

How in the hell can we expect you to tell the difference between real breasts and hyper-sexualized and objectified fantasy breasts?

Harold Bloom's entire existence is a circle-jerk.

Here's when Newsweek jumped the shark:

Well, I am a lady writer and I can tell you that there's a very valid reason to only read straight cis men: A writer can only write with a penis. Literally.

Today I had ice cream after lunch. I'm like a white lady Malcolm X— aggressively leading a deeply necessary subversive movement to eat ice cream when you want. Literally just like Malcolm X. It only takes one person, y'all. God, I'm so fucking heroic.

Exactly. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that their answer would be "BUT VAGINAZ."