Jesus. Motherfucking. Christ. I'm actually sweating. Just picturing that scenario made me break out in a cold sweat of rage.

So 1) what's with all the elephant bums lazing around in the mud? Go get a job, elephants! And 2) baby elephants love sitting on the faces of sleeping grown-up elephants, which just warms the cockles of my cold, cold heart.

Def the face I was making.

I had my second son via birth tub at a freestanding birth center. It was 100% pure, unadulterated awesome sauce. Apart from the bone-grinding pain.

Yes! I consider myself an AP parent (for the most part) and am also considering unschooling/home schooling, but fuck if some of those other APers don't get crazy self-righteous about it. My baby hates being worn and my toddler watches enough TV to quote all of the Jeff Goldblum lines from Jurassic Park.

And just to be clear, I reserve zero judgment for CIOers. I have the privilege of having a super flexible work schedule, which allows me to be an indulgent parent. I did have to do a controlled CIO with my oldest when he was about 15 months. I sat three feet away from him while he screamed at me. but he was old enough…

I'm not big on crying-it-out, and I co-sleep, but I, too, like the Pixies! We should be friends!

Uh-oh, let me guess: daddy's a cop who says things like "if those thugs would stop shooting up people, they wouldn't get shot by cops" and "black on black violence"? Cry me a fuckingh river, you entitled little shit.

Uh-ohhhh, here comes the hipster who refuses to engage with the latest trends purely because they're popular! I bet you also only listen to music on vinyl and own an assortment of silk top hats that you wear ironically.

SERIOUSLY. I'm going all Atticus Finch on this—how the hell did Wilson get hit on the right side of the face when Brown came up to the driver's side window? It's so superficial and in such a convenient spot too—not the nose, mouth or eye—that I'm convinced Wilson just punched himself in the jaw to make it look like he…

And now you can just fuck right the fuck off.

Is anyone else having a "this is why other countries hate Americans" moment? We're a country that's so god damned entitled, we use live animals to get back at our exes?

Wait. You think homophobic subway preachers are LESS annoying than crying babies? Because seriously, I'd rather sit next to a crying baby on a train (or plane or automobile) than a homophobic street preacher.

That's what I always thought too—that the food they ate was disgusting, but they all seem to really love each other. But you have to be a special brand of damaged to date someone who hurt your own child. But judging from her own life choices, I'm guessing she was molested as a kid too.

That's what I don't get either. Their clothes are all nasty and brown with sweat stains at the collars because no one has time to wash clothes apparently, but Daryl and Bob are somehow finding time to shave while on the run? It just doesn't make sense!

I used to be really modest about nursing—using a nursing apron, asking friends if they "minded" if I fed my baby. Now—fuck ALL of that noise. I've got a grumpy, puky, refluxy 3-month-old and we're all fucked if he doesn't get a boob in his mouth yesterday. He's got about 15 seconds until he goes into full freak-out…

If you have a 10-year-old who tells you to fuck yourself for asking him/her to do something, then you've failed as a parent and the only person who deserves a spanking for it is you.

What?...

Ho.ly. Fuck. Just...fucking fuck!...

Ho.ly. Fuck. Just...fucking fuck!...