As soon as I saw the title, my first thought was "thank God, no more book-to-movie adaptations." I think I'm being overly optimistic, though...
oof. My first was ten pounds and I just blasted him out like a potato gun. Tore myself up real good. Sex hurt for like, 8 months after he was born. The first poop is definitely less scary without stitches!
bughhh. My midwife kept telling me not to push because I was pushing too hard and he was coming out too fast, which was going to make me tear. That was the worst part—there was a nine pound baby just sitting in my vagina and I couldn't get him out. In retrospect though, I'm glad she made me slow down because I didn't…
I'm in week eight! Almost there! But now the real postpartum uglies are setting in. My hair is falling out and my skin is breaking out and suddenly I'm allergic to palm oil and shit my pants immediately after eating it. But at least the kid's cute.
You win for the worst birth ever. Congratulations?... I don't even know... Please take care. Maybe go lay down.
Congrats! And sorry you didn't get the birth you wanted. I just had mine 8 weeks ago and I got the birth I wanted, but wish I could scrub all the poop from my memory.
Just had my second son two months ago and it was a water birth, so every time I pushed, I pooped, and the turds floated up to the surface. The doula was scooping them out with a fish net but eventually, she had to go get the big fish net. I had assumed that if I pooped in the water, it wouldn't smell, but it totally…
I had to see a male gyno once to get my birth control prescription refilled. It wasn't too bad, but he was young and visibly nervous and he totally fucked up my Pap smear. It was also the only time I've ever had a pelvic exam that hurt. I've never had a female OBGYN or midwife hurt me during an exam.
You're creeping me out right now.
I just don't know how to feel about this...
I had almost zero bowel control for months after pushing out my 10-pound baby, and I probably shit my pants once a week for about six months. Most of the time, it happened while we were out for a walk. On no less than three occasions, I seriously considered leaving my baby on a street corner and running home to poop.…
You had me at I call him Mussolini sometimes because he likes to bark orders at people.
I got super turned on when my husband (then boyfriend) had just bought a rat-infested house and was standing in his backyard, barefoot and shirtless with his farmer's tan and a BB gun that he'd duct-taped a flashlight to. He was scanning the ivy in the backyard with the flashlight and saying "come out, you little…
I always thought I'd marry an artist or journalist or something. My husband is a construction worker who gets this adorably dumb smile on his face when I point out that he looks really crazy doable in his orange T-shirt and work boots. Once he said a receptionist told him his hair was hot and offered to get him…
Erin, you must promise me that you will never, ever, ever leave Jezebel. I can't handle all of my favorites just packing up and abandoning me like we never had a thing. WE HAVE A THING!
Pooping after a vaginal delivery is the scariest thing I've ever done.
I wish they'd stop describing it as looking like cottage cheese. What if I like cottage cheese?