“Hockey isn’t your thing.”

Whatever. You think you can caramelize onions in 5 minutes.

Goddamnit coach, that kid needed just one more rebound for a triple-double.

I wonder why Jon Chait didn’t get that same sense of welcoming from his women friends.

Quite honestly, there’s Charlie Work, and then there’s everything else.

Rivera was going to send an email to Adam Schefter announcing the punishment, but he couldn’t find his laptop.

The 7-9 of celebrity sideline access.

“Well why didn’t she grab one of the guns and point it at him? That’s what I would’ve done.”

Didn’t you watch last night? The Cubs just clinched the World Series.

Police were called according to the witness

Jennifer Carpenter should be optioning any and all scripts about Hope Solo’s life story immediately.

+189 electoral votes

The story is that Dewey is WILLING to be president.

Hello Mudda

No jury in the tristate area would convict him.

Meanwhile, Austin Rivers plays a sad game of 1 on 1, alone, at the gym, wondering why none of the cool kids came to his birthday party and all went to Deandre’s instead even though Dad said there’d be a bouncy house and ice cream cake and everything at Austin’s party.

Ahhhh! Come back and I’ll set you up with a Pagliacci Pizza!

“You ain’t no real nigga. You a white boy, you preppy, you rich boy.”

Colin Cowherd believes this regrettable incident could have been avoided had the wall’s father been present.