“Jesus Christ, these kids are animals...”

I went to Five Below last week and I don’t think I’ve really appreciated Five Below enough.

At least the third season of Making A Murderer will be better.

Wow. The Jags are so bad, they’re even having trouble handling the Bills. 

I won’t be happy until this guy is behind uneven bars

A list of boring athletes without Joe Mauer is fake news. The most white bread slap hitter in history, with all the personality of a tater tot hot dish!

It’s fine to criticize Smoltz as a broadcaster, but you can’t hold him to the same standards as an actual journalist or beat writer. Smoltz is a guy who just drops in once a week to talk about a baseball game, it’s not as if he’s a member of the permanent press. 

rude, Ellen. She already has a love match in her life

Personally, I prefer a muff to a scarf.

When I was a kid my mom used to make root beer floats pretty regularly. My dad and I loved them. She had a strong accent in English, so I always thought she was saying “black out” and I would even ask her for a “black out.” Only right now did I realize she was saying “black cow.”

Alliance of American Football is a perfect name for a future old-timey, long-defunct professional football league.

Aw, it’s nice your mom thought that. I would think he’s a murderer coming to kill my whole family in our sleep, but that’s the pessimist in me.

It has long been thought, but never been proven, that if an athlete has sex before an important game, they will not play as well because they’re happy, and it’s best to play sports when you’re on edge and irritated at all times.

Rodgers emphatically denied any rift, but eyebrows were raised when he added, “Mike is like a member of my own family.”

A Gap penetration. Backside penetration. Rub routes.

ha! I find myself having to pause conversations talking to my own wife, like:

Joe West looks like a mall Santa that got fired because of beard lice.

“Your father being a sportswriter, is there a lot of shame in that?”

Oh, it turns out the doctor was his mother, and the reason she couldn’t operate was she had puked and pissed on herself.

True story - what’s even sadder for that beer vendor is that his job doesn’t even provide enough to allow him to go back to his home in Kansas to visit his father. His dad had to use some of his retirement savings to travel to Landover just to be able to see his boy.