Ushers were also called in to break up a particularly brutal thumb war

If you're interested in the math, at $20 a dance that's $4080!

Looks like Cheryl's been playing the old drinking game "Do A Shot For Every Year Since You've Been Culturally Relevant"

"Everything is public relations now" is the macrocosm of what ails American society at the most fundamental level, which is a specific brand of narcissism. Who you were as a person and as a business used to be about what you DID, now who you are is largely based on who you SAY you are, via the clothing you wear or…

It's times like these when I wish there were lawyers in the Deadspin commenting community to help us flesh this out.

BREAKING: Out in hives: Roger Goodell

"This is about keeping our high school students safe from potentially damaging hits. Er, the ones playing football anyway."

Teammate: He's rounding third! Throw it to home Marcell!

He looks like a mime that just had a lapel flower squirt water on him

(beaten to the punch)

Now that he's coach of the 49ers he waits until the playoffs and then just shits the bed

Stop with the hard sell on little league already—Mo'Ne Davis, Jackie Robinson West, "your son's game is tonight at the city park and his coach is finally going to let him pitch".

How do I turn off the closed captioning

In an interesting coincidence starting pitcher Brandon McCarthy's fastball and Chris Rock's career both peaked in the mid 90s

+1 that's hilarious

Officials said that in the event of a cancellation, the guy that bought a ticket will get his money back.

You don't have to wonder. Christopher Dorner is your answer.

America's double-team

My roving band of mystery solvers has cracked this case and revealed that "Andrew Biddle" is nothing more than an anagram for...

Asked her opinion on whether sexuality was innate, Palmer replied "A zebra can't change its stripes"