Our current active-shooter plan is "hide in te corner with the lights off and door locked." My kids and I have discussed more than once our plan of attack. I teach English. Those massive text books are involved in our counter strike. No way am I dying or letting my kids be killed without a fight.

I really like you, Mark. But I have a red pencil here that is just dying to correct all these typos.

Intruders pelted with cans by students: 0

nah, the most punk rock thing ever was that girl in L7 taking out her tampon and throwing it in the crowd at Reading.

If you are not wearing the required makeup, I will stop you and apply it myself. I don't care if you're late for class. I don't care if you're a sophomore or a super senior. I will stop you.

Don't talk trash about sparkles.

My mother in law. I'm very short and she is very tall. Thankfully as long as she still got to keep the dress, she didn't mind altering it. Also thankfully, the dress was really timeless and simple. The sucker shouldn't have been white, but what can you do?

Agree, I'm solidly in the "Well what did you think was going to happen?" pile on this one.

leaving a trail of gold dust wherever I walked

Even this would be an improvement.

Other than InTouch being assholes, and Kris having the emotional development of a 10 year old, my main takeaway from this is that Khloe is great.

The entitlement in telling another woman what to do with her eyebrows. I just — not to be obnoxious about it, but this is how women enact and enforce the patriarchy on one another.

Can we talk about spanx? I don't wear them because aint nobody got time for that. But a friend of mine went through a spanx craze, only to abandon them, because she felt that they squished her body fat in such a way that she looked weirdly tube-like. She called it the 'german sausage' effect. And after she pointed…

I love Sorority girls' penchant for fancy-ing up even the most mundane of details. "GOD BECKY THIS DRESS ISN'T PURPLE YOU DUMB BITCH IT'S CLEARLY AUBERGINE."

I guess you can have a ceremony with your inexplicably supportive friends and family, but I'm pretty sure you can't get a marriage license in... any state.

"Will you have a wedding?"

Let's talk about my IBS.

I read "clean freak assholes" a little more literally. (__*__) . Oops.

On an unrelated matter, may i have your address?