All jokes aside - fuck this lady for use of the word “retarded.”

I feel the same way about Ariana Grande!

I made an appointment to wax this afternoon. Thanks, guys! :)

I have a guy friend (who I later hooked up with, coincidentally, so I can attest to the enormous size of his member) who got puked on in college. The girl was crushing on him and they hooked up at a party, until she vomited on him mid-blow. She didn't come around much after that and changed social circles. There were…

I never considered that I’d have something in common with John Boehner.

Mine is long, but wavy? Not curly.

I once heard a comedian (maybe Pete Lee? Don’t recall.) joke about women under 28 and their pubic hair preferences versus women over 28 just not caring anymore. At the time, I was sub-28 and swore that’d never be me. At 31, it’s totally me, though I try to keep it under control.

We’re going down, down in an earlier round, but sugar, we’re going down swinging.

I wiped the blood pouring from his eyes. -Donald Trump

At least one of her kids (and his, for that matter) is grown! And it's not like those things don't get around when you have famous parents.

You'd think so, but I definitely didn't read it that way. Wouldn't someone tell her where she COULD put it?

What kind of pediatrician’s office doesn't have a place to dispose of diapers? Seriously?

The Durham is GORGEOUS! The high school I used to teach at held their prom there this year, and I’ve attended teachers nights there. They have this amazing little soda fountain that sells old-timey candy and ice cream. It’d be the most amazing wedding.

Oh my god. Look at the mouth on the lady behind him. You could fit a Buick in that trap.

We set our AC to 77 in house when we even bother to have it on. When it's 95 out, 77 feels awesome. It's so much cheaper!

So just 10% of the time you'd vote for her?

Tell story!

If I were Agnes, I’d be PISSED.