I’m 55. A year ago no one would have believed it. I could pass for forty. I dressed up on election day, so as to be as beautiful as possible to vote for the first female president. And I was! My voting site is in old KC, historic northeast, one of the cooler and most eye candy filled parts of the city. I walked down…

Ricin. Umbrella guns. Radioactive borscht.

I like your mom.

We’re related! My son is an active duty Marine. That’s family, bro.

* tipple *

Oh I just gotta tell you, you made an ancient memory surface! Years and fucking YEARS ago I worked in a mental hospital, one of the old school, wards and wards, locked down snake pits. One morning all my patients were rip snorting drunk. Their tipple? Listerine and coffee. Thanks for the time warp!

I cant mention my fav fantasy, lest the secret service comes a’ callin...but it involves a red hat and the imitation of all those shiny eyed trumpers.

Her shoes are pissing me off.

Wild turkeys that feel comfy in their surroundings are mean motor scooters. They run fast and low with their head and neck extended. Once arriving at the Target, they leap in the air, spurring at your eyes, flogging the piss out of you with their wings, pecking, always the pecking on your face. So, yeah. It seems…

A to the men. Nursing just as awful.

his idea is that all ‘white” people will use the word in private. Or if sufficiently provoked? I dunno, I’m not a user of crude vernacular. (Tho’ Donald Trump is just a cunt.)

Lemme ask you something... my man, who is black, (me? Jewbird) absolutely insists I will/ have used the word. No, mom raised me right, sorry, no. What gives? It is an odd hill to die on, right?

PINK AND GREEN! PINK AND GREEN! (Tho’ Telescopic is pretty good)

You re perfect for the Press Secretary mannikin. What are you doing tonight? Bring a bucket and some of that heavy window caulk, silicone if possible. Oh! And a tarp.

Oh, FUCK no, it’s a snap. First you make a wee mud homunculus, cover with the jizz of a black goat ( one ran up on the porch from the adjoining farm when I was a lass, square pupils it had and a PAIR OF BALLS UNDER ITS CHIN, I saw ‘em) recite “Kellyanne, do all you can” spit thrice, you re done. Ratings gold.

I am a woman rider, 1300 Honda Sabre. A flipping rabbit ran under my shifter foot, jumped, striking his head on my peg/ foot, turned and ran away. No biggie, but it felt pretty strange.

My son is a Marine stationed in an aircraft carrier near Turkey and I’m terrified. God preserve him and our country. I’m sick. This man has no clue what he’s doing.

I had a patient come by ambulance to my ER..she was in respiratory failure. I noticed she had fresh tobacco on her breath. I said, “Did you smoke a cigarette waiting for the ambulance?! My god, this is going to kill you!” She said (I kid you not) “but I LIKE to smoke.” At this point her eyes rolled up and she…

There are two standing sets of orders, that is, things I immediately handle without a doctor..one is cardiac protocol, the other anaphylaxis. No time to call the doc, just get ON IT. The worst I saw was a fella that ate a roll of powdered donuts. His tongue was so swollen it looked like transparent pink glass. His…

I worked with the meanest old bitch of an ex Army nurse in the ER. The woman had the balls of a brass monkey, bless her heart. The ONLY fear she ever showed was in the face of anaphylaxis. The story went, young Mexican woman, OTC penicillin, death by anaphylaxis. Allergies no joke.