There’s a reason that nobody has seen a Jebediah Springfield statue with an intact head since nineteen dickety 4.

Seattle has Pickleball. This is a real thing, and it’s so damn fun. 

There are 10 seasons of the Simpsons that disagree with you.

Here’s a thought:
Jim Carrey should remake The Mask, but when he puts on the titular mask, instead of a green cartoonish character, he transforms into a hyper charismatic elephant man played by Eric Stoltz. 

I know nothing about this guy, but one look at his “bad boy” tribal tattoos lets me know he’s a fucking dick. 

Real VSCO girls know why their family’s coat of arms adorns the hood ornament of the Alfa Romeo. 

They may not be Sinoloa, but street sweepers will still put bodies in the dirt. I don’t particularly care if this clown gets got, but there will certainly be collateral damage when he does. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBhuBrWlmeA

If I had a time machine, I’d race Joe Theisman on November 19, 1985. Sure win.

Candy Corn is for amateurs. Ballers buy the bigger, sweeter candy pumpkins. 

Butterfinger < Candy Corn for sure. 

That’s literally every likely candidate aside from Kamala Harris.

i saw them open for All Natural Lemon and Lime Flavors

Bands that are a pain in the dick to search for, in no particular order:

It’s a nation of bigots founded by criminals? 

I imagine she assumed her actions were only Illegal in Blue states.

I’m really disappointed that I don’t have 2 stars to offer. 

Aha. Then definitely steal (or ask very nicely, with flowers and stuff, and then make an awesome pizza so she starts accounting for your needs a pizza maker).

if your wife has a good starter, just ask for some of what she’s tossing when she has to feed it. Typically when you feed you dispose of 2/3 of the starter, and either use it for loaves or just toss it (I prefer using it, because it feels wasteful). 

Nobody in the fucking universe, not even the Vogons, would be interested in nude pictures of Donald Trump.