Roger Goodell: [takes credit]

Andy Reid: [raises hand] Are we not counting the cardiac variety?

Host Chris Cotter changed gears, and Galloway quickly apologized.

BARBER: Really? Again??

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I am not worried. When it comes to the Eagles and Redskins, a mere depression is the most likely forecast.

I haven’t seen a Russian dribble so much in court since the attempt to impeach Boris Yeltsin.

Another classic segment of “Charlotte’s Web Gems.”

He should have spent more time on the elliptical.

I understand that professional athletes often go above and beyond to connect with their home cities, but, in Rose’s case, a shot to the face seems like just a bit too much.

That’s all you got, TMZ? Johnny’s gonna need a little more proof than that.

Schilling later apologized for his post featuring Dr. Ben Carson, as he didn’t want his fans to think he would ever support a minority.

It looks like Curt Schilling was right. His timeline is proof that an ape doesn’t evolve.

Maybe Pop’s going soft on us.

Somewhere Ryan Fitzpatrick’s son is thinking:

Idiot. It’s too early in the proceedings for a motion to strike.

I would, again, on behalf of soccer fans around the world, like to thank the USA for pursuing the investigation which has brought us to this day. Sepp Blatter and his cronies would still be comfortably skimming millions without the work done by the US DoJ and others.

+1 allegation.

If the referee had been armed this never would’ve happened.

Arturo Vidal will respond to this by getting 5 DUIs in 9 minutes.