Think of the poor bastards who’re going to get the Talking Toupee for their commencement. Hell, if the students have half a brain, it’ll just be the Young Republicans sitting there at the ceremony.

The same idea goes towards commencement speakers. I’m sure there are some people out there who graduate from college and are inspired by whoever they had speak at their commencement to go and change the world. But I fell asleep during whoever was speaking at mine. The ceremony was at eight in the morning, and I would…

Within a couple of days of it going big, John Calipari did it, so it’s pretty much dead as disco.

Mustard, chili, cheese, onions.

Scott Steiner wants to sit Cyborg down for a cautionary tale.

I’m white enough to do uncool things, but Asian enough to still be uncool.

The worst are nicknames that ARE used by locals. I lived in Birmingham, and I can’t tell you how many people enjoyed calling it The Ham or, even worse, the Big Salty Ham, with cutesy pig pictures and shit.

Fucking Christ, I didn’t realize this shit goes back this far.

I was at the 2001 Jamboree, and Dubya didn’t make an appearance, he sent in a video.

To piggyback on this, a Scout, on his honor, pledges to be “physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight,” and none of that applies to the Mango Mussolini either.

As a fellow Eagle Scout, I’m seeing fucking red right now.

Count me among the Eagle Scouts who are fucking furious with this appearance. I’ve got friends and family who are also Eagle Scouts, and some are even thinking of turning in their badges in protest.

Holy shit, as a former server, I’m crying over here. This is perfect.

I nearly drove off the road listening to NPR the other day, when they dragged out the corpse of David Brooks. He proceeded to dismiss the entire “Clash of Civilizations” theory while in the same breath stanning for Western Civilization and how it, and I quote, “stands for equality, the growing emancipation of rights…

For comparison, here’s Genesis 16:11-15

I’m sure he thanked you for putting him back in his snail shell.

He’s done it a few more times, if memory serves, but yeah, that was a low point of his during that interview. People try to spin it as “oh, the integrity of this man!” but c’mon. It’s ECW. If you got a free shirt from the merch table and a pack of peanuts, you were getting it good from the company.

Let’s not get hasty, now, or have we forgotten his infamous “I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THE MONEY” laments after Hardcore Homecoming?

Hold my beer.

The only thing Little Caesar’s is good for is getting a cheap, edibilish pizza right then and there without having to wait.