Reporter 1: [Watching drill] God, what a tremendous asshole.
Reporter 2: You'd think so, but really, it's just a little puckering from the ice water.

This is truly a proud day for the Texans. Today, they finally have their first broken record.

TRUE "TITANS" FACT: The film's Jerry "Reverend" Harris is not only NOT an ordained minister, but he is not, in fact, Jerry "Reverend" Harris. He, too, is an actor. Also, that actor is not an ordained minister or cleric of any kind.

The Ravens' new media team basically treats itself like an independent news outlet covering the team with an overwhelmingly positive slant. I've always found that a little dumb, but it can certainly be quite tone deaf in situations like this. Every news outlet with a reporter at the stadium last night tweeted or…

TRUE "TITANS" FACT: There exist many, many mountains that would have kept an unaided Marvin Gaye— or any of the others singing his song in the film— from returning to their estranged beloved.

TRUE "TITANS" FACT: None of the movie's football players are actual high school students or football players or high-school football players.

TRUE "TITANS" FACT: The man who calls himself "Coach Yoast" in the movie is actually renowned stage and screen actor Will Patton of Armageddon and 24 fame; Mr. Patton has no relationship with the actual Bill Yoast.

Friend: Where you headed Nick?

2015 Browns: [draft players only from Northwestern]
2015 Browns: [continue to suck]
2016 Browns: [draft players only from Northwestern]
2016 Browns: [continue to suck]
2017 Browns: [draft players only from Northwestern]
2017 Browns: [continue to suck]
2018 Browns: [draft players only from Northwestern]
2018 Browns: [continue…

I'm sorry

That kid ate pavement, which is certainly an upgrade from traditional Scottish fare.

Haha my goodness, how can you live with that joke

"So then I was like, yeah, stop talking about it so much! I mean, I'm okay with SOMEzheimer's, but this is ridiculous!"

You're one horseman short of an apocalypse.

Pictured (L to R): Hair club for men membership.

No need to bring the good name of the people at Waste Management into this.

"Say that shit to my face.."

Responding this way to every heckler would take a lot of balls.

No chunky peanut butter? What kind of list is this?

Shrimp tacos are better than ground beef tacos? Listen, I don't care how talented Burneko is as a chef and a writer, and I am not saying he doesn't deserve a chance, but I wouldn't let him in my kitchen. Too much of a distraction.