"Get that seaman off me!"

"I want to thank The Lord—and Taylor—for their stylish windbreakers."

First stage: denial.

Can even be seen in Detroit? Hell, you can check out the asses on Canadian chicks from Detroit.

"I've been dunked on and tanked my entire pro career, so I guess I got a shot at this."

"Oh, boy! That's a lot of new openings!"

No wonder my Dad can't find his slippers.

Wow. This is almost like, say, a Deadspin columnist pretending a column isn't about selling a book.

You may have a point. I don't recall whether it was in Spike Lee's "She's Gotta Have It" or in some old-school, mid-80s rap, but I recall something like "Larry Bird, Larry Bird, his game's so complete it's almost absurd."

Hey, Ron: Please don't make it rain.

It's a line of apparel marketed by Nieman-Marcus. Why somebody would want their gender rebranded as a clothing line (probably made by kids in Bangladesh) is baffling.

Small numbers. That's just the tip of the syringe.

Bet that's not even a Calvin Coolidge quote; sounds like it came from Calvin Johnson.

I'm guessing that the Pygmy Pony is the key. She plans to start a dental floss dude ranch for couples. In Montana. Soon.

Which is why I pay the bill with plastic and leave the tip with cash. Or put a portion of the tip on the card and the larger chunk on the table.

"Nets scent in the arena. Smells like....not Victory."

How about adding: Sometimes, we may even kinda care about motorcycles?

I got the crabs on a toilet seat.

"The human species is devolving at a rate that even I did not expect."

It's the Kinja phantom zone, Jake. Forget about it.