After a quick internet lipreading course...

Exactly. Harper can be an unthinking douche, and if he were to throw down a “it’s him or me” ultimatum it could come across as narcissism given that history.

Harper has never had a problem with a teammate. Ever. Sometimes he unthinkingly runs his mouth. Sometimes he doesn’t hustle like he should. But he has never had a problem with anyone on his team. I am comfortable saying this is 100% on Papelbon. And, yes, the Nationals better get Harper’s back.

I’m no expert and I couldn’t see his lips, but I’m pretty sure it was “I’m having an MVP season and you’re a clubhouse cancer and a mediocre pitcher who helped hand the Mets the division.”

While Harper is an arrogant dickbag quite often, I would not blame him in the slightest for demanding a trade if Papelbon is still on the 40-man roster tomorrow.

I mean. This deal makes the Phillies look shrewd.

How on Earth is Matt Williams still the manager?

I would have thought these two would be more likely to settle their differences through a series of scholarly letters.

What Papelbon is thinking: He’s ripped, 10 years younger, has twice as many homers as anyone else on this team, will probably win MVP, and is the future of the franchise. I’m a pudgy reliever who was paid 13 million dollars to save 24 games and am lucky not to be on the Phillies...this cannot turn out well for me.

Oh sweet Jesus, forgot they had him for 2016.

Good luck trading that guy.

“The sustainability of the regime.”

IF BEING MARRIED IS NO BIG DEAL, THEN FUCKING LET EVERYONE GET MARRIED GAAAHAHHHAAAARRGGGHSMASH.

I feel really sad that … someone could be so unhappy with themselves as a person that they did not feel dignified as a human being until they got a piece of paper.

And I think it’s sad that she’s afraid of hairstylists.

Well, I guess you can’t expect someone who’s been up that aisle four fucking times herself to take it all that seriously, can you?

We already went in on Bernie Sanders, but we’ll really start in on the Democratic ticket when their campaign kicks off, with the October 13 debate. Stick around; there’ll be loads of fun to have at their expense.