We're big on the whole "be grateful you got any gifts at all" thing over here at Casa Burneko, so we don't return the plastic crap. We just wait a few days until it's broken and then throw it away after the kids go to bed.

Classic uterus envy.

A guy with an open gunshot wound is still arguably the healthiest person in a KFC.

I only really drink black coffee.

where in the text of any personal essay does a reader ever read I AM A PERFECT PERSON; MY LIFE STORY IS UNEQUIVOCALLY THE RIGHT THING FOR EVERYONE ELSE TO DO

...it's a great thing.

it would be nice to be able to dictate what other people thought about their own lives, but we can't do it, so we might as well engage them as best we can. THAT'S MY ETHOS, good night.

I'd be happy to lose your follow

i think you guys are misunderstanding. it was very clear to me that he interpreted the dolphin's prolonged interactions with him as demonstrations of consent. that doesn't mean that i don't personally question that idea of consent, because i personally do not think animals can consent to humans, nor do i think consent…

agree to disagree, BabyGotFront, sorry you're disturbed

i do think it's complicated, and if this interview strikes you as me playing him for laughs then we're going to have to agree to disagree

You are a complete fucking idiot.

I feel terrible for those meat-eater people because there is nowhere else in NYC to get a meat-based meal.

That's 1410.96lbs.

Or, your mom.

- Xbox Live

LUND: But what about all the field work I did?

HOW DO IT WALK

I bet it could fuck up a rhino.

Obviously the steak fajitas had not been grilled enough. The longer you grill them, the more tender they become. Look it up.

I want a goddamn coffee latte in a goddamn monogrammed thermos right now!!!! And God help you if there's any red in there because I'm allergic to red!

What the fuck, it's Monday again? HOW DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?!?!