Look at everyone from Chicago boo-hooing about a cynical Chicago sportswriter.

Cinderella, your slipper is found.

You see, it's funny, because it's likely not true.

Melissa McCarthy. Ducks fan.

It's all fun and games until people start taking Shannon Sharpe seriously as a broadcaster.

He's the quarterback the NFL deserves, but not the one it needs right now...

"No, no, I mean that schmutz on top of the water."

HEY DONT—GIT BACK—ah, fuck it.

I don't see any reason to drag the husband into all of this.

"Equipment." LOL

Honestly, I can't hate on that reason, and it actually makes more sense to me than using a gym for what it's meant for. I mean, if you can also get a workout in, then hey, bonus.

You see, it's funny, because you read it in a different context from what we otherwise know to be true.

Gyms. LOL. Keep spending that money, dummies.

I DID NOT ANTICIPATE THIS LEVEL OF BRUTALITY.

Alternately and antithetically fun:

Sem Elem? The fonn foaks ov' at Rool Forms are naht immused, hon.

HTC One beats out Samsung Note 3, but HTC One Max doesn't? I are confuse....

Here, talk at my watch. DO IT OK, IT'S NOT WEIRD.

Sex on wheels, right there.

Rest of AFC North: You're already first in line...

This might be the most athletic maneuver we've seen in Rivers' professional career.