Wowwwww, someone must have turned up the contrast, because the greys are looking exceptionally white today. Sorry for your hurt fee-fees, my people, but you'll just have to go home and cry on your piles of money that you got because you were lucky enough to be born white men.

Not without a green card joke being thrown in (by everyone's favorite woman-beating white guy) for good measure, though

Sometimes Twitter IS perfection.

Speaking of Harris Wittels, there's no better memorial to the man than Not Farts and Procreation 4, and what a lovely tribute by Scott Aukerman.

To police departments trying to turn serious situations into light-hearted jokes in order to score PR points:

🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌 GODDAMN

damn straight

PREACH. This is immediately what went through my head when reading the comments here, with folks saying he must have had help with his lines.

"Kanye's really arrogant. Anna Wintour, myself, Gisele Bündchen...."

Could that guy look more like a porno historian

What's the average starting salary for a dick pic critic in 2015? And what is the benefit package look like? Is is fluid, with a chance of exponential growth as long as you put the hard work in? I imagine one has to stroke the ego of their intended audience even while navigating through often thick underbrush. What I…

Is it misandry that I really hope there's a deadbeat dad in the picture that sees zero of this money?

Aw, this is fabulous! I hope she gets herself something nice too, because honestly—was she chosen as a POSTER CHILD for cliche, shitty jobs? Like, she works at McDonalds: ok. She works at Walmart: ok.

BUT BOTH?

Girl. You deserve every cent of that. Every GD cent.

DRAKE DAY.

Ah, yes. The old, "teach him by traumatizing him for life and giving him PTSD" lessons. He'll never trust a family member again! Oh, wait, you were trying to show him strangers can't be trusted, huh?

The idea of even needing to photoshop somebody as flawless as Washington is such an insult to me. She is dewy glowing perfection. I am a garbage monster in comparison to her without photoshopping. LIKE I JUST CAN'T WITH ALL THIS FAKENESS