Padres are certainly good at putting their dongs in questionable places.

“We think you’re shittier than Florida” is about the strongest burn I’ve ever heard of.

“People in the drive-thru ask if I’m JaMarcus Russell. I tell them no, then tell them yes as they drive off.”

You mean Meg Trump.

I’m so ridiculously thankful to have attended college before social media existed.

Sadly, he had no idea what to do when he reached third base

Funny, Adrian Peterson’s son’s face is imprinted on his cleats too.

Don’t do your best, do my best.

Adam made his millions by quietly cranking out project after project for over two decades. I listened to him on loveline when I was in 4th grade, then got to do a TV show with him. The guy is a work machine. Podcasts, books, movies, stand up, radio, the list goes on. Adam taught me the “20 hoses into 1 barrel method…

He has 5 jobs and works his ass off

When asked what he’s going to do now that he’s got a 100 million dollar contract, Antetokounpo said he’d carry on the fine Greek tradition of spending all 300 million of it.

Sure, everyone makes a big to-do about Fernandez passing away, but no one so much as blinks at Beltre’s poignant homage to Arnie.

Where’s the option for those of us who aren’t watching the NFL currently but would if Colin Kaepernick took a shit on the corpse of Roger Goodell?

This is an excellent take that will be drowned out by rocket fuel-level takes from fans and talking heads alike real soon. So I will applaud this before the avalanche of hate-fueled and/or point-missing retorts comes, in and out of the league.

Somewhere, Phil Kessel is rolling in his gravy.

I don’t want to get into the politics part of it and tell you who I’m voting for and all that,

Bring back the ambulance bowling over players!

Oklahoma was literally founded on the idea that you should be able to just take things away from Native Americans if you want it bad enough so I am not surprised.

Few classes of people in this world are as batshittedly convinced of their own influence and importance than college newspapers nerds and jesus fuck I miss that world so goddamn much I’m 32 and my DEEP AND IMPORTANT COLLEGE NEWSPAPER EXPERIENCE made me a legal editor in a hidden kingdom of batshit crazy conservative…