@Jay Mariotti Mugshot: We can go over the side together, bound by our patheticness.

I'm running it, too, to "celebrate" my 40th birthday the day before. If that f*cker beats me....

@Ponies eat Unicorns: Nah, Gawker does the invites and PR, Jezebel does the pre-nup, lifehacker does the logistics and scheduling, gizmodo does the lighting and music, i09 does the video, jalopnik does the drive-away, and fleshbot does the wedding night.

@youthinkyouknow: You know what - it makes a boy cry, too.

@Lionel Osbourne: Actually, if Ribery tried the same celebration, a truck would come out of nowhere and slam into the side of the car, resulting in a hideously disfigured face.

I hope the president didn't knee anyone in the nuts in this game.

@Atomic B: I'm not sure if I should hope to be crazy or ugly at this point.

@Belladonna77: You are in my head!

@Atomic B: He didn't just read American Psycho, he actually was Patrick Bateman.

@bellawill4: He said, "Now THAT'S a blow job!"

@Alohamaid: Alas, they were related to the potential representation as they were "dirt" about the source of their problems. Believe me, I did the research!

I had a business lunch with Randy and Evi back in 2000 when I was a young lawyer. It was obvious to me, even then, that they were absolutely insane and that my firm should stay as far away from them as possible.

Wake me up when they come out with Acoustic Guitar Hero.

@mustlovebooknerd: There's probably a Harry/Hairy Winston joke in there somewhere.

I hope they had the biggest, most bad ass bounce house for the kid to play in together with a live video feed of her merriment back to a jumbotron placed strategically in front of the awful family's house.

The truth needs to be told here: she's a terrible guitar player.

@UweBollocks: Sounds more like EeeewwBollocks

@Peppermint: But it's offset by the fact that you no longer go out to eat, go to the movies, go on vacation, etc. So, uh, there's that.

I bet Christine O'Donnell's head just exploded. I can hear her now: "Crap, they ARE evolving!"

The best hit of the entire video comes at -1:16 and is delivered by the running back. Someone sign that kid up, pronto.