agreed

This is sweet, but did they really have to gun down his parents first?

I misunderstood the assignment.

No. NO.

Simultaneously beautiful, hilarious, and heartrending.

I called him about my weight loss routine too, and he kept talking about chocolate. The asshole.

He's all "run cross country" any time I talk to him. Not helpful either.

Coincidentally, I am also trying to lose weight and have found Tom Hanks to be really unhelpful. He just keeps referring me to Castaway. Not all of us can take time off work to hang out on an island for weeks, Tom.

You know who really understood what American small towns are all about? H.P. Lovecraft.

Wow wow wow, indeed!! He can come to my place and knock over ALL my chairs.

He's so adorably white. I like it. British dudes named Tom (including Tom Hardy and Tom Mison) are slowly but surely ruining me. This is becoming a problem.

oh great, now i'm pregnant.

The face-in-the-water pic is too funny. *PLONK*

A hole in his penis?! That's the best thing I've ever heard in my life. It's so stupid.

I would have just said "the best show ever is Garth Marenghi's Darkplace," but I get where you were going.

Awwwwwwwwww. I want to go surfing with this elephant!

A GOP politician explaining his perspective by putting down some random, possibly made up woman that fits in with the stereotype of just how humorously unreasonable and silly we are? Why of course.

Something is happening in my pants.

THIS WAS THE FIRST FUCKING THING THAT I THOUGHT! GET IT RIGHT DICKBAGS!!!!!!!!!!!!