So that’s how snow babies are made.

No “non-toxic” glitter, no raw cookie dough.  FDA is taking the fun out of the holidays.  

Good start. Now ban Wonderful Christmas Time.

Clearly the worst thing George H. W. Bush ever did. 

If there even is a bagger.  

So, I am a very dumb person, and occasionally when checking out and the cashier asks if I was able to find everything okay, I realize that I have forgotten to purchase something I need. I don’t want to cause a scene, though, so I lie and say I was able to find what I was looking for. 

A few years back a Papa John’s franchise was busted for selling drugs. Maybe they should try that, cause they seem to be incapable of making good pizza.

Is Vermont filled with stoned hippies trying to figure out what ambrosia salad is, and why it qualifies as a salad?

Fast food restaurants: Have you tried offering a living wage, benefits, and a pleasant work experience? Might be more beneficial, long term, then throwing parties.  

They do it so you will spend more time wandering about the store and buy more stuff.

If it doesn’t show Jesus dying on the cross, is it even a Christmas cup?

Square cut pizza is the worst. You end up with four crust-less pieces in the middle. Even if you’re a monster who doesn’t eat pizza crust, there is no easy way to hold those pieces.

I’ll pour out a can of cream of mushroom soup in her honor. I’m eating the fried onions, though.  

Glowsticks are acceptable, as long as your town does trick or treat after dark.

What color pumpkin for the houses who give out toothbrushes, religious pamphlets, or raisins? I assume black to match their souls.

You’re thinking of The Outback. No Rules. Just Right.

Have you ever paid for music by the band “Red Hot Chili Peppers?”

Raisins, mini-toothbrushes, book of bible quotes.

Homer continuing to play while the monkey mauls him is the most dedication he’s shown in any of his jobs.