Safety first.

1) This has been around for years.

I would count that as a soup-related near-drowning. What kind of soup was it?

Ever see somebody drown in their soup? It’s not pretty. That’s why I always wear a life preserver when eating soup.

Eating 30 pancakes is a feat not to be taken lightly.

No glove, no love.

Guinness was the first beer I drank legally. For a while it was my go-to choice, but other than occasional nostalgia, I don’t have any desire for it anymore. I prefer a stout over an IPA, though, and it’s kind of annoying that every micro brewer starts out with one. I suppose they can’t mess with the Stout too much,…

I made a flowchart to help you with this. First, ask yourself “Am I an asshole?” If yes, tip on the post-discount total. if no, tip on the pre-discount total.

That’s a good rule, too.

I’ve posted it here before. It is a great rule. My goal is to make it a universal thing.

She is my hero too. I don't think she ever worked in food service, but I suspect it was an outgrowth of dining out with my grandmother who was a nightmare customer: endlessly picky, always demanding special treatment and never tipping more than 5%.

When I was a child my parents always made me pay extra tip money at a restaurant if I made a mess. I don’t think I entirely grasped the lesson I was supposed to learn (don’t make a mess) instead i just learned to always over tip. Also, I don’t like soft drinks, the only thing I wanted to drink was iced tea. If the…

CBT (cock and ball torture), cock ball slapping, foursomes, bi-sexual salad tossing, vegan ice cream, offside hand jobs, cornhusker cock crunching, anal blitzing, roughing the passer (sex act and penalty), and ball shamming.

Man, I could really go for a spicy chicken biscuit.

This is true. Up to now, I had only Favorited one tweet.

I wonder if that poor guy ever found out who he was.

Water free water. Patent pending.

I’d be pissed to if I got tricked into using a swiffer. Those things stink. Stop Swiffering:

Or watch Sleepaway Camp. Available on Youtube.

Pamela Voorhees. All you need is a cableknit sweater, brown corduroys, and a hunting knife.