In my experience, the only people who complain about the word cracker are racists who are jealous they can’t say “n****r”

You forgot one very important insurance company ad strategy. Farmers Insurance has J.K Simmons. If Cave Johnson tells you to buy insurance, buy that insurance. And some lemons.

You should get one. They’re great. After I got mine, my neighbor’s giant SUV got a dead battery. I used my portable charger and charged him in one try.

You should get one. They’re great. After I got mine, my neighbor’s giant SUV got a dead battery. I used my portable…

Relieved, I went back to the kitchen where I was told by the chef that that piece of pie was covered in whipped BUTTER, not whipped cream.

But hipster boy has apparently never seen a real tamale before and proceeds to eat every bit of organic matter inside the foil wrapper of both of them. Yes, including the very, very chewy corn husk that you’re not supposed to eat.

How did that work out for you?

I love it when my home state makes Gawker, cause it’s always for stupid, crazy stuff like this.

Counterpoint:

I missed this scandal. Is it somehow different from the fact that everything in Whole Foods is overpriced?

The proper reaction to the rose petals:

Proceed to get belligerent at wedding

I was fired from Dairy Queen. For gross incompetence. It was deserved. It’s still the only time I was fired from a job.

This is the best Father’s Day present.

This is the best Father’s Day present.

Sweet Zombie Jesus.

He should be on U Talkin U2 To Me, and bring some t-shirts. He’s already met Adam Scott Auckerman.

I got Hufflepuff. I think I did something wrong.

It was way better when Ron Funches did it.

Long story short, we ended up having the weirdest sex of my life

A little aresnic is good for you. Builds up immunity in case you need to vanquish a Sicilian in a game of wits..