What a twist:

Next week: Disney Princesses as Disney Princesses.

I have good news and bad news. The good news is you a prepared for when the aliens from Signs invade. The bad news is the plastic in disposable water bottles deteriorates upon reuse and is probably going to give you cancer. Or it would, if you ever remembered to reuse them.

As the King of Olive Garden, I approve of this nickname.

"Oh, I think it's pinkeye. I found some old antibiotics from the last time and put the drops in, just in case."

It's fine, because they take the shells off before they cook the vegan shrimp.

Is your Kosher Ham Vegan? Because I'm allergic to the color red.

I was really hoping this was a story about people who had really fabulous divorce receptions.

I've always wanted to be the King of Olive Garden. Is there a succession plan? Do I need to murder the previous King? Or just wait for him to die of the inevitable heart attack?

a St. Louis eatery

Fun fact: I lost on Jeopardy is actually a parody of the song "Our love's in jeopardy."

No Bort, though.

St. Louis–style barbecue involves direct grilling rather than indirect heat and smoking

Stay strong, Bacon-Croissant guy. Some day you will get the breakfast sandwich of your dreams.

There is nothing Burt Macklin can't accomplish.

Because vintage food articles are the best:

This is how I feel about oatmeal raisin cookies. They look like delicious chocolate chip cookies, but they are made of lies.

Quick, send in Joe Don Baker.

I used to work as a service writer at a shop owned by a department store that you mainly see out in front of malls.

Is everyone a DJ now?