The really sad part was when she tried to throw the ball back by typing UNSUBSCRIBE.

Fuck me in my venom-filled ear canal, why did I read this right before bed? Bye bye sleep, hello phantom creepies for the next 8 hours.

+1 Smart Bug

1. Time-travelling DeLorean to keep Stephen Curry’s parents from marrying.

I suspect once he digests those shirt pieces, he will relive the thunder shitting the bed.

It would be confined - the whole point would be to initiate contact. And the RB would win the majority of the time for sure, but there are bound to be some former college players or other athletic fans who might be able to make a tackle every so often. The point is to make it like the half-court shot — usually the fan…

I would love an NFL contest where a fan has to tackle an NFL running back near the goal line. Have a million dollar pot, and for each tackle, the fan gets $100,000. For every TD, the running back gets $100,000. If you had it with some third-string RB who isn’t making a zillion dollars, the RB would have incentive and…

I have Cubs playoff nightmares that are older than every Cubs player except David Ross.

No kidding. I am of course happy they are poised to be the best Cubs team of my lifetime, but having them as the World Series favorite elevates the potential disappointment to terrifying heights. I am waiting for Jake Arrieta's arm to detach on the first pitch and fly into Miguel Montero's glove.

-1 defensive Edge

On the one hand, this is yet another terrible take by Shaughnessy. On the other, he is producing remarkably regular bowel movements for a man his age.

+1 fluke, man

As a Bears fan, I also often see an oblong object moving left-to-right in the air and then reversing direction at a high rate of speed.

Because hotel bars are where dreams get shaken with bitters into a drink always served cold.

I guess FIU stands for Foot In Urethra.

When reviewing my "Should I make this change to my diet?" checklist, the top item is always, "Will it wreck my butthole?" So no raw milk for me.

Anyone who saw Doug Flutie play for the Bears knows that Ditka loves to hand the reins to small-handed outsiders who have no clue how to run the show.

+1 song

What a fantastic branding opportunity for Valtrex.

The police followed up by arresting the rest of the Browns roster and entering their feet as evidence.