"You guys okay?" Philbin will ask, or "Ready for practice in the morning?" Or "Anything we need to discuss?"

I know this is an article about why the Jets suck, but I feel like this raw hot dog eating out of a clear garbage bag event should happen at every NFL stadium.

Grandpa and Jimmy watch a Vikings game.

This is what happens when you hire Kip Winger as your Stadium Appeal Consultant.

I am a Bears fan who lived in Michigan a few years ago and became friends with a lifelong Lions fan, which was the most surprising fan discovery since I met a guy in college who was a diehard LA Rams fan. I invited the Lions fan over to my house to watch the opening weekend that season. He showed up in a Charles…

I am very excited that the Bears appear to have a coach that thinks about how to score touchdowns instead of one who thinks about how to keep touchdowns from being scored. Having said that, I also have to temper my offensive excitement with the memory of trash-talking my best friend (an Eagles fan) before the 2000…

Math teacher: Okay, class. League A awards four points for passing touchdowns. League B awards six points for passing touchdowns. How many more points would Peyton Manning earn in League B than League A? Anyone? Yes, go ahead, Timmy.

This is far better than the real-life player-flinging glitch, which usually requires valtrex and a paternity test.

For office superpowers, I would take getting reimbursed for personal expenses. When I worked in publishing as a poor editorial assistant, the non-business business meal provided much of the nutrients, alcoholism, and entertainment I needed to survive living in NYC on less than $20k a year.

I'm really not surprised that a lot of Redskins fans love to pump Cousins.

It is so sad and upsetting to see a crazy, xenophobic American driving a Hyundai. If we can't rely on ranting racists to buy American, who can we rely on?

He washes his hair the way he washes his jeans: with acid.

Her suspicions were first raised when her fiancee's "father" had an unusual accent and asked to speak to Sloane Peterson.

In that Super Bowl loss, Peyton Manning played the way Papa John's pizza tastes.

I would have gone with, "Johnny wasn't flipping off the Redskins, he was promoting prostate cancer awareness and reminding male viewers to get checked out by their doctors."

[Watches speech]

How about combining the water cannons with T-shirt ones in order to spark an impromptu wet T-shirt contest?

The most shocking part of this whole thing is finding out the Browns have a PR guy.

They desperately need the Raiders to be RENEGADES and OUTLAWS, all at the expense of moving into the 21^st century and learning how to be a functional organization that can actually win football games.

I laughed very loudly at "I was later questioned by police about the beating."