"Get your hands off me, you damn dirty ape!"

Hey, before you guys rag on O'Reilly for being a racist, watch his interview with Bo Ryan where he asked him if "that polka stuff" and the temptation of "all that easy cheese" was a problem for his players.

That is my go-to beer for getting drunk in style while wearing shorts.

First-time fathers-to-be, if your wife is breastfeeding, she's probably going to pump. This is good because it allows you to feed the kid so she can get some sleep before she hallucinates that she's fighting in the Battle of the Bulge and your penis is an attacking Nazi soldier. If she pumps, you may be tempted to…

Any cut off of Attila.

I think this will really invigorate the late night talk show format. Colbert has the best writing staff of any talk show, and he plans to bring them with him. He is such a charismatic person (whether as himself or the Colbert character), and his abilities as a performer and improviser are well suited to this format. I…

I think Jessica Williams would be a good choice for getting her own show. She has really come into her own on The Daily Show.

Really, all you need to beat the Bucks is a dimebag surrounded by a freshly waxed floor.

I think ESPN just found a new Cleveland correspondent.

"What's the deal with people claiming 'sarcasm' when they come across as humorless killjoys. Don't you hate that?"

"Marked" was also pretty awesome on her last album. The guitar fret noise added a chilling effect to that song.

Parading John Calipari's body with a husky's head attached to it was a bit gratuitous.

But imagine what a few days of paternity leave and repeating his kids' names would do for his ability to remember them!

I applaud players putting family ahead of all else, but at the same time, a generous NFL paternity leave policy would have effectively negated Antonio Cromartie's entire career.

Agree. Nothing against funny white dudes — I am a white dude — but we already have three replicants on network TV in Kimmel, Fallon, and Seth Meyers. With John Oliver on HBO, I can't think of any available white male comedians I would be dying to see in this spot. Conan probably won't come back. Louis CK would be…

I was thinking Hannibal Burress if they bumped up Craig Ferguson. Hannibal would be perfect for the later slot.

Autism has increased every year that Donald Trump has been alive. Therefore, we must kill Donald Trump!

When Michelle Malkin applauds your efforts, you've clearly fucked up.

Those three extra spaces represent three strikes when the Cubs have runners in scoring position.

I think it's a combo of denial plus time. Some use religion to cure/cover up an innate creepiness, but I think others try to live the "good life" by denying the things they want and can't handle it. That pressure builds up and, rather then doing the normal thing like having a few drinks or rubbing one out, they go…