The trouble began that day when, instead of singing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game," guest Buddy Rich called the crowd a bunch of tone-deaf cocksuckers for singing out of tune.

If being gay is an open rebellion against God, then I like Jason Collins's chances of being the next spokesperson for the Canon Rebel.

Not surprising he'd dress like a rock star, he's had a ton of hits.

I want you to go to a sporting goods store and purchase a venom extractor kit

To honor his prolific propagation, there will be a 21-gun salute using air rifles.

I believe hugs are the first step in the NFL's anti-drug effort.

As a condition of keeping the NFL license, Madden 25 will have every button press trigger the "spin" move.

I think that was Mark Sanchez yelling, "Stand up, asshole," because one of his linemen fell on him again.

The wait for the juke box validation is also like the wait for the instant draft analysis. I know what I want the Bears to do, and I want "experts" to agree with my brilliance. I can't wait to see an A-F grade that matches my own. Validate me, Pete Prisco!

If you put her voice in one ear and Mary Hart's in the other, you can achieve the rare stereo seizure.

I think we found the perfect client for Lionel Hutz.

Catching terrorists is way harder when you can't just blow up the the crime scene from the air.

When McGinn saw Claiborne's score, he threw his head back and exclaimed, "Inconceivable!"

There's a hard slider, outside.

Wait, someone actually runs the Padres?

With all the drug testing, they have already started taking the guns away from baseball players.

Construction is going very slowly, however, as Goodell has insisted all hammers used by the workers be made of ginger.

I wonder if anyone told KFC they should stick to sporks?

Jimmy's looking at "you have the right to remain silent."

At least he wasn't traveling with a "band" and going in and out of airplane lavatories while carrying a McDonald's bag, because that would be a clear signal of a terrorist dry run.