3 minutes after the tear was diagnosed, Shanahan sent him back out to the car to get the rest of the consoles.

"Let's see what we have here. Hmm, the examining nurse says it is 'Rectum: patient's own head'. Well, you do see that every now and then, especially in your profession. What's that? Oh yes, we can keep your name out of the database, Mr. Dolan."

Y'ALL HAVE ANY OF THEM DOGS WHAT CARRY BOOZE ON THEIR NECKS

It's better than the group I saw last week. They were imbecilic, and all they did was drink old diet soda, play their iPads, and sing.

More out of town stupid on the Rose thing from Deadspin. Just follow closely, please. Read local papers (more than just one headline grabbing column), check out beat writers, listen to reports that leak out regarding Rose's camp, understand what's going on, and dissect the situation from there. That's all I ask.…

I don't even have the energy to call out Tom's flaming again. Seriously, anyone who speaks ill of a player (unless they are a "honky" like Andrew Bogut) will be called "dumb" or "shitty" by Tom.

I understand the purpose behind this article, but it's ignoring the financial situation the Bulls find themselves in. It also ignores the fact that Derrick Rose is an adult who has consistently hid behind his representatives (his brother Reggie and agent BJ Armstrong) and has never really grown up enough to take…

If only there were some young, healthy players to watch that could bring excitement to the game....

How I hate that my least-favorite writer on Deadspin covers my favorite sport.

This smells suspiciously like a Photoshop contest in the making.

Funny stat, but are we really calling non-professional athletes civilians now?

You think these people care about that? Think about how amazing his life is in Silicon Valley.

Do you even watch basketball? No one - NO ONE - gets continuation above the three point line; much less from 26 feet on a turn around jumper.

I thought the most amazing thing was that (it seemed like) the GSW went straight to the bench to plan their offense during the last timeout and the Thunder did nothing but high five each other instead of, you know, prepping their defense.

Being from Toronto, it should be obvious he'll be highly functional with the rock in his hands.

Not to be confused with the Wiggum's kid

I always assumed the primary readership of Deadspin was comprised of tall, athletic, physically-gifted black men, so this post makes no sense to me.

Steve Kerr's Uncle Drew videos aren't quite as well produced.

Tom Ley laughs triumphantly to himself as he submits his Eddie Vedder bashing post.

Would've been a great companion piece to the Beijing Olympic stadium design that didn't go through: