Ellie, don’tcha mean to say “ONLY $2,395 American dollars?” because clown shoes that had Cap’n Crunch spilled on them are totes worth it

Seriously how long do you think it took them? More effort was put into this than the typical Kardashian fan fic for sure.

I fondly recall being a C back when I was a teenager. C was a nice size: they don’t actively get in your way if you’re sporty, clothing actually fits both bosom and torso, bras have cute dainty straps, you can choose to put them on display rather than them just displaying themselves no matter how modestly you dress,…

My recipe for zero wrinkles at age 45:

Mountain Dew, meth and buffalo cheeseburgers?

I totally pictured this:

I love the dichotomy of his party boy persona vs. his save-the-earth-we-only-have-one image. I imagine he howled with the boys then was all like “but for real guys, wolves are really endangered.”

Ugh, of course National Pig Day falls on the first day of Women’s History Month. Fucking patriarchy.

I’m listening.

I bet like 15% of this happened and the other 85% is exagerated. Like when you start to tell a story about how some guy looked at you weird on the bus and your friend isn’t interested as you thought they’d be, so you tell them the guy didn’t have a nose and was holding a sword.

Lots of people do. Like anything else, there are some really good ones (a few about people who have kids with serious special needs; blogs from women who have disabilities and how they cope with parenting; lots of very good post-partum depression blogs, etc.) In fact, the reason there are so many of them is because…

Between this odd story and the Ben Affleck nanny situation, I feel bad for actual nannies. I feel like more often than not, they are dealing with advances from their employer rather than coming onto the employer.

“they both smiled a lot.”

When my daughter was 6 and selling girl scout cookies for the first time, she made a cute little video “commercial” that we sent to grandmas and grandpas and such. In it, she lists all the cookies with a little comment. “Thin Mints! Mmmm my favorite! Tagalongs- Peanut Buttery!” and then she pauses “Savannah…

A friend’s wife got pregnant and loudly, frequently, told me how she had given up tea because of the caffeine. She really liked her tea, has the fancy iron pot, but she drank maybe 3 cups total a week? And yet there I would be, drinking my cup of tea (and to be fair, I’m a pot-or-more-a-day kind of lady), and she’d…

Wait, blackberries are supposed to be a problem?!

I have to laugh, honestly. I’m on a forum with other women giving birth the same month as I am (September) and SO MANY come on there going “OMG I caved and ate a Subway sub! I’m worried I hurt my baby!”. I mean, I get doing the best you can but this is just ridiculous.

Research also shows that drinking and smoking affect sperm... you know the other part of the equation. So the fact that they singled out women is a bunch of misogynistic bull crud. More and more it feels like America may be the international equivalent of Benjamin Button.

Doctors will guilt you into extra ultrasounds, blood tests, etc with the same rhetoric “Better safe than sorry!”

The whole “better safe than sorry” vein of “helpful” pregnancy advice is the bane of my 14-weeks-pregnant existence. I swear these people won’t be happy until I’m just going through life living off of kale and surrounded by bubble wrap. Fuck em, I say, and then I eat prosciutto and blackberries for breakfast.

She looks like a squirt of mustard.