“If you can’t make it work in Santa Clara, just do what we did and move everything to Altamont!

Passing on Prairie Home Companion is just a marker of good taste.

Oh, I can see it now. Your mirthful nature's shining right on through. 

I think only parents are giving you stars, my man.

When discussing Cousins and Alabama, one has to be a little more specific.

“the recording was made last Friday, when she and her son were at a trampoline park.”

He’s short, he’s Canadian, and he simply cannot be touched.

Jimmy Carter —> captain of a nuclear submarine

I could’ve beaten Carter in 1980, and I was six.

Liverpool and Man City running the league from the get-go? Congrats on the 1,000 words to tell us what we already fucking knew three games ago...

I felt really bad for O.J. Simpson until I remembered I don’t give a shit about anyone’s fantasy football team, and also that time he killed his ex-wife and a waiter.

Saying stupid shit got the current President elected, so I’m going to go with attribute.

“Damned fine burger”

Also, what the fuck does this even mean:

Not yet.

I think you’re unintentionally hitting the nail on the head - Pocono is another high speed “oval” but it seems to be disproportionately hazardous to drivers when compared to other circuits. I think the lack of effort is what Elizabeth is really calling out here. Pocono’s management has now seen 3 out of 5 races result…

This is just like my dad and me, only instead of hitting home runs for large sums of money, I’m an emotionally distant borderline alcoholic who can’t communicate a lifetime full of disappointment with a disengaged, functionally absentee parent. So cool!

He’s a role model for every high school kid, surviving a cock block on the way to second base.

If I owned that car I’d simply tell ol Alvin Einstein there to ‘go brush your tooth.’

Why? Most 26 year olds still have their teeth.