All of these methods pale in comparison to exposure to the mastication sounds emitted from the guy in the cube next to me. When he chews he makes that sound on the Simpsons when Homer eats a donut.

"It was also really mean when SNL tricked me into going to that college just so Chevy Chase could make fun of me behind that Jeopardy desk."

I just never understood why he always makes that face in photos that looks like he's 20% of the way through a prostate exam.

Dear Democrats,

I think this is where my "White People Should Lose the Vote for 80 Years" constitutional amendment comes into play.

This stuff is hard. I understand that Manti Te'o was going to write a Dear Jane letter to his imaginary girlfriend to end their relationship, but he was too shy to put his feelings into words. Which is silly when you think about it, considering how easy it is for Notre Dame football players to get other students to…

Dear Facebook,

I think I'm starting to come around to the idea that cops just shouldn't get unions. I think other public sector workers should, but if you get to be an agent of the state's monopoly on obstensibly legitimate violence, it shouldn't be harder to reign you in. Call it a quid pro quo. It's not like cops don't get tons of…

I don't see how that would make his situation any better, though. The best thing to do would be to lay low.

Hey science people, how compromised is a second autopsy from all the poking and prodding and cutting done to the corpse in the first one?

Time for the National Guard to step in and play grown-up. These local cops have no cred and need to be disarmed and sent home.

Panablebots....TRRRANSSFORRRRRMM!!

Oh look, the dying throes of the comment insurgency.

I am no transphobe. I had a whole bin of them when I was a kid. My favorites were the Decepticons that looked like sea monsters.

...and ONE MORE THING: Could Gawker writers please not stuff their stories full of embedded twitter posts? The cookies or whatever crash my phone too, especially if the comments get voluminous. I know you guys are trying to look like The Lede blog on NYT or whatnot, but could you please put them on a separate page or…

I despise those little fiestas. They make my computer's head asplode.

Fewer gifs is good. Those things crash my phone. And I don't need to see, for the 764th time, Bugs Bunny saw off Florida or RuPaul roll his eyes to get your point.

Hey, if we adhered too closely to that principle, 90% of Robin Williams' movies would never have been made.

A bit of an aesthetic preference right now, I admit. But I dunno, the POINT of the sport of MMA or boxing is to kick the shit out of the other guy and I just find that nasty.

Also, what's sick is out of the two of them, HERS is the one I'm sure most people would think is the more shameful.