Clearly:

Tip 1: don't hire out an expensive hotel to hold something like this.

No, I win. Nope. Nope nope. I win. Okay. Here goes. It's long but (I think) it's worth it.

That's a lot of money for cam-twerking!

This comment is gold. Also, "Mousaline" the mouse dictator of Italy.

You think that's bad? This happened a couple of days ago....

Congratu-fucking-lations.

"You know which character in Forrest Gump I envy? Lieutenant Dan's legs. Because they got to leave early."

I agree, he gives me the creeps, and I can't figure out his continual success. I find him charmless and vaguely sinister.

See!! #NotAllChristians

it's never ok to put your child down. Insulting your own child is terrible.

I'm sorry. I also wish I could post weird sex things and cute animals all day, but breaking news is breaking news.

Believe it or not once someone asked me if I wanted to go protest an abortion clinic with her. I was like "uh, I have to go iron my dog" or some other BS excuse because I wasn't in the mood to start an argument. It really threw me for a loop because the girl is liberal on every other issue except abortion. Weird.

You know men and women can't be friends! Did you learn nothing from When Harry Met Sally??

If that is sex then I have fucked a lot more people than I thought.

And what's so bad about Willow and Jaden? They haven't done anything wrong, besides After Earth.

*peers at Bulldogz*

She's no fun at parties. She doesn't even drink! She never excuses herself to go to the restroom. She eats terribly messy.

As an avid watcher of Yoncé concerts on DVD, I can tell ya that she frequently replaces "your mistress" with "that wack bitch" when she performs Resentment. She did that even before all the "Is Jay Cheating" hullabaloo.

"Well, you never know. I'm a very important person. I sell monogrammed coffee thermoses."