Seriously. My 6 and 4 year old didn’t have birthday parties and haven’t seen their grandparents in a fucking year and I’ve been playing unpaid assistant teacher/speech therapist/OT/social worker 5 hours a day 5 days a week and my husband and I haven’t stepped inside a restaurant since last February and celebrated our…

We always offer one of two easy secondary options if they don’t like what’s for dinner: they can grab themselves a piece of fruit, or ask for a basic sandwich. When they are old enough to make the sandwiches themselves, we will stop making them for them.

Whoa, how am I back in the greys again?

Ever had to do all the holiday related gift thinking/execution/wrapping for your immediate family, in-laws, extended family, etc? Ever do it for years and years on end? Hear the constant whining about which family gets to see the grandkids for which holiday and how it’s always unfair no matter what?

Here’s what happens in my family: the only actual, caring, decent gift-giving member (my mother) is dead. I’m left with a narcissist mother in law who uses presents as a weapon, and a bunch of hapless family members who mean well, BUT...

It turns out that vitamins don’t actually solve all of the varied and sundry things that can go catastrophically wrong with any given pregnancy. But nice try solving complicated issues with a simplified, dismissive handwave I guess.

I’d never even heard of IUGR until it happened lateish in both of my relatively…

Genital. Nub. Angle.

They can see a whole lot fairly early.

That was my first thought, wah it hit a grown man in the balls, but more importantly it could have hurt his pregnant wife or daughter and it ruined all their clothes. That little girl was covered and might have been frightened from all the noise/mess and nobody seemed to notice her at all.

I’ve seen so many of these…

Ideally, we wanted at least one child of each gender (at birth, blah blah, maybe one day they’ll decide what they were assigned isn’t the best fit, I don’t give a shit as long as they’re healthy and happy) and even though the chances are 50/50 I just KNEW that our first was going to be a boy (He was) and our second…

Everyone knows women only wear makeup and heels to neg and seduce me-ahahaha couldn’t even finish the sentence.

The secret is: the recovery for a C-section is mostly the same, plus the additional recovery Stein surgery. Maybe less vaginal tearing if there wasn’t prolonged labor before the surgery but all the blood and whatnot still has to exit somehow.

Or you have young kids and the Valentine’s m&ms (and all holiday themed m&ms) go over like it’s a bowl of fucking treasure. Novel colors? Well hot damn! Without m&ms both my kids would probably be going to college in diapers so just for the potty training aid factor alone I am forever in Mars’ debt.

I had two different OBs at two different hospitals for both my pregnancies in different cities and both offered the vaccinations on site. I wonder if bring affiliated/attached to a big hospital is a factor but it certainly made it easy to just get the jabs right there while I was in the office for the regular check-up.

Right I’ll just tell my 2 and 5 year old to hold it. (Actually I do tell the 5 year old but there are limits. The 2 year old simply can’t, though.) And yes, we always try to hit the bathrooms right before boarding and sometimes even right after and before takeoff but it turns out tiny people have tiny bladders so…

Thiiiiiiis. My current doctor is great, she knows that at 34 and after two kids I know my body and if I call in saying I have a UTI, it’s a goddamn UTI. Trust me, if the antibiotics don’t bring immediate relief I’ll make an appointment and be there ASAP for whatever additional testing you need.

Hahaha sharks are afraid to swear, apparently.

This. My husband crashed at relatively low speed, in a brand new helmet and full gear, and he still got decently fucked up. Luckily the helmet took the brunt of the head damage but he broke his collar bone, several ribs, and the zippered knee area on one leg of his protective pants busted open. He was wearing thick…

This is the smartest thing you can do. Trust me. With our first, we had no visitors for the first 2 weeks, and as I was pumping full time as well (that shit is NO JOKE a full time job, and leaves NO TIME FOR ANYTHING, especially in the first 3 months when you’re supposed to do it every 2-3 hours around the clock and…

Ehn it is when you have to do it for every meal every goddamn day until they’re old enough to fend for themselves if they don’t like it. My 2 year old is selectively picky, and it sucks because he used to eat such a huge variety before he hit the terrible twos. Breakfast? Not a huge issue, sometimes he’ll fight me…

If I did that I’d go insane within a half hour. My 2 year old wants water ALL THE GODDAMN TIME and I’m not in the mood to get up and get it for him every 5 seconds, especially now that his newborn sister has arrived. Instead he wakes up in the morning, I set out a filled no-spill water bottle for him in an easily…