As a parent, I don’t want to track my kid(s...there’s another on the way) in any other circumstance than an emergency where I can’t get in contact with them.

I feel like the “better” parents don’t stalk the shit out of their kids and raise them with so little trust and privacy. There’s a middle path. You can be…

Yup, I used the Google+ feature (though I think it was always-on, no temp option) to find my husband a few years ago after he was in a motorcycle accident. He had called me to tell me about it immediately after, then hung up, disoriented, before he had given me his general location or what nearby hospital the EMTs…

Currently pregnant with #2 Can’t smell electricity.

Could smell my husband’s mustache/beard from across the room in the first 2 trimesters, even if he just showered and hadn’t eaten recently. It smelled kinda...sweaty? Hairy? Foody? Mustache-y? I don’t know but it was gross, and until I hit the third trimester I had to…

What I really love is the ballsy notion that “PAY ATTENTION TO ONLY ME EVER” is somehow less rude than the people who glance at their phones to check the game score/time/any new messages during a lull in a meal/conversation whatever.

Like, fuck you. Yes, this is more important to me right now than PAYING ATTENTION TO…

I was so, so excited to have our son call my mother Nana, as I had called BOTH of my grandmothers. We had a “Nana & Grampy-Father’s last name” and “Nana & Grampy-Mother’s maiden name” growing up, and and life was simple and grand.

My husband had a Gram (his father’s mother), a Nana (his mother’s mother), and two…

Fuck that guy. I’m 7 months pregnant with #2 right now and sometimes I’m totally normal...and other times I have to pee every 10 minutes after drinking a coffee for 2 hours. I’m so happy I’m not working right now because I really don’t think I could survive a boss like this without snapping.

It’s not exactly a fun…

And bagged salads and cold cuts and on and on and on because shit keeps popping up fucking everywhere.

You don’t HAVE to abstain from all this stuff while pregnant, and you’ll probably be fine even if you don’t, but as a preggo it’s no fun when yet another food gets recalled for listeria or whatever. Even if you’re…

I mean sure, I could dig out my food processor and make my toddler cry because the noise/have him get underfoot in the kitchen the whole time I’m whipping up a batch of hummus. Yes, that is possible, and it probably only takes a few minutes and a few bucks worth of ingredients.

But fuck you. I don’t wanna. After…

But tiny, homogeneous communities in Bumblefuck, PA/WI/etc. should be able to run roughshod over the coasts despite the huge population discrepancy? Because that’s been happening with more frequency in the past few elections which is a concerning trend.

Unless they owned a uterus.

I wouldn’t give a shit about a neighbor’s trailer (as long as it wasn’t blocking access to the street or other people’s driveways and literally sitting there taking up oodles of space and sticking out 24/7) but...if I was about to sell my house, it might miff me, because some people DO care. A lot. Enough to drop…

But then I don’t get to make him feel like a toddler when I go “SERIOUSLY?” and make him clean it up, and where’s the fun in that?

Yeah that’ll teach those bitches. Take your ball and go home. And destroy yourself in the process. Smort!

This. Not an issue for me, but definitely my husband during late night “just woke up and bleary-eyed” manhose misfires. I had all nice expensive “stainless” steel bathroom accessories near the toilet: a toilet brush holder, TP holder, wastebasket, etc. Yeah, turns out they weren’t exactly stainless. When I…

This fucking bullshit is right up there with “squirt breastmilk on it” and “essential oils” as the cure-all for fucking everything in mom groups.

No. Somehow my son managed to survive infancy without me dousing him in oils, milk and letting strangers rub his fucking head. We also didn’t need magical amber teething…

I’m due with #2 in February and my insurance won’t let me order my pump until days before inauguration because they have a “one month until due date” rule, so you can bet your ass the nanosecond I become eligible I’m ordering that suckah.

AINT NOBODY TAKING MY FREE BREAST PUMP, IT’S ONE OF THE NICEST BENEFITS MY…

Jesus fucking christ, I’m due with a little girl in February and absolutely HAD to use a pump to breastfeed at all with my son. I suspect we’ll have the same issues with my daughter.

My insurance won’t let me get my ACA covered breast pump until a month before my due date. I’m going to be RACING THE FUCKING CLOCK so…

I stay the hell away from elderly baggers/cashiers for this reason. They see my 2 year old and think “TIME TO REMINISCE ABOUT THE GOOD OL’ DAYS OF CHILD REARING” and make the longest small talk while sloooooooooooooooooowly bagging my shit up. They clearly don’t remember what it’s like to shop with a ticking time…

Counterpoint: Not everyone has a big baby or even an average one that shoots up quickly in those first few weeks. I’m SO GLAD I didn’t skip out on the newborn clothes and diapers because my son came out full term at 5lbs (closer to 6, but still, not a hulk by any means) and we got a ton of use out of our newborn sized…

I’m so bummed. My 2 year old son loves penguins and I found THE PERFECT PENGUIN COSTUME ON ETSY that wasn’t something ridiculous like $100+ dollars...placed my order then heard from the seamstress that she got so many orders this year she probably won’t get to ours in time :(

If she’d had a “orders must be fullfilled…