I dont think it’s played as straight as you seem to think. Willis shoots Affleck in the leg in the first ten minutes of the movie, all the other oil crew guys call him out on it, and by the end he sacrifices himself so Affleck can live on.

No, we sent you into the duffel bag for good reason, now climb the fuck back in there!

Ok, you try finding tracheostomy tubes sourced from somewhere that won’t ship through Amazon.  No joke, that’s the shit my family has to shop for. 

No I don’t vet every exec at every company I buy from, but if it comes out they're using my money for shitty causes I avoid going to them unless I have to because I’m not a shitty, lazy fuck. I still go to Home Depot because they have stuff I can’t get anywhere else in town. I use Amazon because even after swearing…

That's a really long way to say you have shitty friends.

He got a damn artisanal loogie, that's an extra 50 bucks!

Are we sure this wasn’t hyperbole? Nazis hate normal people so much they’re liable to say anything for sympathy.

This is a perfect tag line for her show. “Laura Ingraham: even cancer doesn’t want her!”

I kinda vaguely remember making them from scratch one time and they came out ok but my main memory of it was that it was too much work to be worth all that.

If you like the character and are familiar with all the weird shit Marvel did with him in the comics, there's a lot to like.  I thought it was fun, but that's in comparison to all the other idiot bullshit I've used to pass time on overnight shifts, like the latter-day X-Men movies and Justice League.

The war drums were so loud back then that I still can’t look at a US flag or hear “USA” chants or the word “patriot” without gagging a tiny bit, at the very least. Every politician had to wear those stupid flag pins or else the press would would throw a shit-fit. The word un-American was thrown at people who pointed…

Lmao Cavill is long gone. The only people still sticking around are the ones who have nowhere else to go. Ezra Miller sucks, Gal Gadot is the female Sam Worthington that nobody will remember in five years, and Adrian Grenier is staring down the long barrel of comic conventions and direct-to-streaming bullshit as far…

Jokes don’t magically become funny when you explain them. Especially when they were lazy in the first place.

Republicans are too dumb to understand nuance, so feminism means “defend every woman” no matter what. Literally the only part of this that they get right is that English hasn’t developed a strong enough word of condemnation that doesn’t involve female genitalia so calling her a cunt is, unfortunately, working in…

A lot of the times I’ve encountered this question were at places with either smaller (tapas) or larger (“family style") plates, so I can see why one might want more info on what they're ordering and how much of it they'll want.

Rice...something (pilaf?), an orange drink (drink, not juice), and I don’t really remember what else. I spent most of my time curled up under one of the benches trying to sleep so the crazy ranting guy wouldn’t notice me. Also, there were always a bunch of dudes hanging out by the toilet so I wasn’t about to eat or…

Jail food sucks. Was in less than a day so I only had it once but damn, once was enough.

He was cast as Batman in a previous Justice League movie that didn't get made, so I can see why he would still want it.  After Sorry To Bother You and Man From UNCLE I'd love to see him give it a shot, much more so than Pattinson.

I’ve told this story a lot so I’ll make it short. I haven’t eaten Trix cereal since I puked it out my nose after a night of partying. This was back when they were the shapes of the fruits they were supposed to taste like, so I had a whole mini-lemon get stuck until I blew it out.

Holy fuck that’s a ton of tweets to not read.