In seventh grade I had the brilliant idea of joining the football team (I’m a girl) bc my crush played, I’d see him more, we’d have a shared interest, etc. Turns out, I was really good (being bigger than a good bunch of them bc they hadn’t caught up yet, and playing with my dad most of my childhood) and that was not… Read more
You’re just going to have to stage an elaborate months-long come-to-mayonnaise awakening where you “accidentally” get a sandwich with mayo on it, sigh, say you’re too hungry to bother getting it remade, scrape some off, eat the sandwich, be like, “actually it’s not as bad as I thought”, bravely try some potato salad,…
I had a crush on a boy in middle school - he was in 8th grade and I was in 6th and we had lockers near each other. So naturally started putting anonymous notes in his locker. Someone spilled the beans or else he saw me sneaking away and left one in mine that said, essentially, "I know you've been leaving notes in my… Read more
When I was 22 I met a guy that I immediately had chemistry with. Through talking all night, he told me he hates mayonnaise. I, being too young to know that it’s okay to have your own opinions in regards to condiments, immediately agreed that I found mayonnaise disgusting...WHICH IS A LIE. I love the stuff! Read more
That’s still no excuse to try and impress Paul Ryan!
Do you mean the time I wrote a haiku on a leaf and gave it to an English major who was an ~*author*~ or the time I bought a dude who constantly ate sushi in class and was a smartass dick a convenience store box of sushi with a note that he could eat mine anytime? Anyway, I transferred out of that school after a year.
For basically all crushes childhood-teenage years: avoid any and all interaction with them hoping to not even so much as cross their paths as the mere sight of them terrified the ever-loving shit out of me so the slightest notion of even talking to one was just outright. You weren’t there, but I’d say my efforts were… Read more
When I was a sophomore in college my university paid for this company that did mobile std testing to come park their gigantic trailer on campus. I was hanging out after lunch with a big group of people that included my crush (he and I were just acquaintances), and as people gradually left it was eventually just me and… Read more
What didn’t I do to get the attention of my childhood crushes? There are so many cringy stories, but I think one of my favorites was when I convinced my group of friends in middle school to all take turns licking the same Blow Pop. I made sure to lick the Blow Pop right after my crush did so I could get his saliva in… Read more
Brands love to sell you stuff by tugging at your heartstrings, and certainly, you can see why a company might think…
The biggest gift my family ever gave me was that fully 50% of each generation don’t get married and become kickass uncles and aunts, for something like four generations now. So I was raised in an environment where being an old single was never “the wrong path” or some sort of lingering doom. Read more
While my marriage was clearly ending, I took a dance class to get out of the house. One of my class mates was an acquaintance who was there with her husband. I was a smidge jealous (like light envy) of them and their date night, until the next time I ran into her at the pub. Turns out they were trying to reconnect now… Read more