FUCK YES I KNEW THIS FAINTING COUCH WOULD COME IN HANDY SOME DAY.

Norm MacDoanald, one of my favorite stand-ups, says that nobody "loses the battle" against cancer. When you die so does the cancer, so at worst you tie!

Or maybe he just loves his Grandma and in this day and age the way he wants to record his remaining time with her is via a readily available and popular medium?

The modern world has somehow decided to equate death with failure. When someone dies of cancer, we say that "they lost the battle". Not a healthy view, any way you slice it.

Sigh. And of course the "gross, mean, bad" people in the Jimmy Kimmel bit were overweight.

Tyson Beckford: You are very beautiful, but you were not made for this program.

I wrote ages ago about needing to have half my thyroid and a tumor removed because the docs couldn't rule out cancer. I had the surgery on Monday and other than being tired, I feel fine. I'm still waiting for the pathology, but the surgeon said things went well and the likelihood is things will be fine.
I'm off work…

Next on his vendetta list—The Onion! Did you know most of their stories aren't even TRUE?!

Team Twirl!

Paper outfit story. I was a dorm access monitor when I was in undergrad. At some point in the summer, the university used a lot of the dorm rooms as ersatz hotel rooms for on-campus conferences. Me and this other guy were sitting there late at night when all of a sudden a large and very naked man walks up to us…

People are such dicks.

Yeah, the flavored ones are never good, olive oil is okay but I'll let cheese flavor my crackers the way God intended.

I hope to God the Gay Department of Justice never investigates the Gay Mafia, because then the Gay Mafia will have Gay JFK killed to send a message and our nation will lose its gay innocence.

Ughhh. I hate it when people do the whole non-conformist eye-roll and say, "I thought about getting a tattoo, but now everybody's getting them. Yawn." How do they not hear the utter cockshittery of their own words? The entire point of doing what you want is doing what you want, whether you're the first person or the…

Pro-Life Man Tries to Protect Chicken Fetuses with Gun

I think the most important point made in this article is not about those who choose not to vaccinate (which there have always been, and will always be - my husband almost died of whooping cough as a child because of his hardcore fundamentalist anti-Western medicine mom, and I also know a lot of hippies who did not…

Great. So not only will I die by coughing up a lung, but I will have to die knowing that it's because some Portland hipster yuppie douchebag couldn't be arsed to take his daughter Cucumber to get a fucking pertussis shot between her unicycle and harpsichord lessons.

I just ... can't imagine that any of the castings even spoken of here were at all accidental..