Important omissions:

You should have it set up so David Allan Coe plays when you open this story. It would set the proper mood.

My '97 e39 528i was gangbusters until it hit 250k miles. Then it went instantly and completely to shit. Radiator neck, power steering pump, about 6 different bushings, all 4 window regulators, the choke, and finally a cracked head. All this happened between 250k and 253k.

100% correct. Don't think Belching Beaver is too widely distributed outside of San Diego though.

Dartz Son! Leo sold me. And also probably that boat.

Yeah, that's what happens when you're late to the party. Glad someone got a kick out of it.

When I was a kid, my dad and I went duck hunting with our trusty black Lab. We had a Suburban, and we put down one of those heavy duty plastic floor mats in the rear cargo area, because the dog was always muddy and wet from retrieving our birds when they fell in the river.

In high school, I was guarding my guy on a baseline cut, and as I passed under the hoop, I glanced back, and here's this dude dribbling unobstructed up the lane. So I step up, and he takes off way earlier than I expected him too. I didn't even have a chance to jump, because I was expecting him to take another 2 or 3…

I'm firmly in the 'Torch has lost his mind and is probably going to light something on fire soon' camp, but congrats dude, you've clawed your way from the depths of insanity and said something that needed saying. This should totally be a thing.

In my childhood, my dad had an old ass Chevy bubble-top. It was tan and he painted A-Team stripes on it in 3 different shades of brown, and rattle-canned the wheels gold. Threw on some big ass tires a cattle guard, and an RV ladder on the rear door. We used to go to Charger games back when Jack Murphy Stadium was…

I bought a CTS V-Sport instead of the SS. I like the Caddy, but I still regret it. Buy an SS.

More reasons to buy a van instead of an SUV:

He should change his name to 'Justin'. Probably his best shot at getting something other than a minor-league deal once his contract is up.

Man, I was beginning to lose faith in humanity thinking nobody had posted an e24 yet. eBay's a bit thin right now, but how about this one from AutoTrader, an '85 635CSi with your proper manual transmission and under 80k on the clock for the mere pittance of $4400. Pretty unbelievable.

So Kurt's out. Kyles out. If Joey Logano doesn't race, I may have some weirdly specific psychic superpower that wreaks havoc on my least favorite Nascar drivers. Or maybe it's just karma.

I wish Chevy or Ford would make something with this kind of capability. In my trail rig I'll take the 'go anywhere slowly' mentality over the barnstorming mentality of the Raptor any day. This seems like the ultimate Baja adventure rig except for 2 minor issues: a) hard to justify spending Porsche Turbo money on a rig…

Well, if Kurt's telling the truth, and this is just a case of a jilted ex trying to blow up his life, she's doing a pretty bang-up job. I mean the timing, with the hugely public domestic violence issues in sports, going the civil route rather than criminal to get a ruling on a lower burden of proof, her potentially…

I can't stop watching the lady in black. She knows she's about to either be peppered with crash debris or see a super-human save, so she flees and applauds simultaneously.

The trucker split, the road's been closed, and some public works guys had probably the worst shittiest shift of their careers.

He could, however, buy a C6 Z06.