“Joe Rogan? Never heard of him! He’s a lightweight! Lindsey Graham tells me he used to be on a show where everybody ate penises. Really gross stuff! Lindsey says it was his favorite show, too! Sad!”

Truth in advertising:

“Oscar winner Jared Leto”

Wait, this is a Jared Leto movie and it’s crap? Never saw that coming... (Feel sorry for Matt Smith though, he’s awesome)

I don’t watch anything with Jared Leto in it anymore. Turd actor and person. 

This movie is going to suck.

No.

Let’s see, how about:

Leto can act. He’s just obnoxious, and tends to pick obnoxious projects. In the right thing, with good direction and some one to reign him in he can be very good.

Wow. This looks awful. Again with the remix of an old song. The same cliched lines. The same action beats. The same Matrix slo-mo. The same intertitles.

It’s like a bowl of lukewarm oatmeal with black and blue sprinkles on it.

How am I first to post this?

Emmerich doesn’t seem to be adjusting well to the new cinematic paradigm. He’s still making the same sort of movies he would’ve made back in 1998, down to the same trailer flourishes — I don’t think today’s kids have any reference points for that kind of video static.

God Emperor, Heretics, and Chapterhouse get... weird, sure, but they were still well written. It’s the dumbass prequels that must never be spoken of.

That “The Spice” thing that everyone who’s read Dune keeps going on about? One of the reasons it’s as valuable in the fictional universe as it is is it extends lifespan, up to a factor of about three. Thus, you could argue from canon for the woman playing Jessica to be eight years older then the guy playing…

He’s supposed to be 15 in the books, eventually reaching 19 by the end of the first novel. Ferguson is actually about the right age for that, if you assume that Jessica became Leto’s concubine in her early twenties or late teens. Same for Oscar Isaac at 42 - he’s old enough to plausibly be the father of a teenager.

It’s not out of the question for Leto and Rebecca to have Paul in their teenage years, given that Leto is the duke of one of the greatest noble houses in the universe, and all that shit is tied up in bloodlines and whatnot, even in the year 10,000. When you come of age it’s time to make more heirs.

I just hope we get to see chairdogs and sligs on the big screen someday

Good news everyone! Since saying I made it to Page 113 of the first book on the Dune movie review, I’ve since made it to Page 157 and hope to read more at some point!

“...decreased by approximately 2000%” Er...