As a dog-walker I have to keep pretty tight tabs on my time. I don’t want to look at my phone to see what time it is. I’ll look like some lame ass reading his phone while he’s walking your dog. I bought a big red Casio that I could read without my reading glasses. A year or so later I upgraded to an easy-read Timex…

I usually get pretty baked every year and check it out. I bought a DVD a few years ago, but I’d rather watch it with all the commercials like the rest of you losers. Yes, Santa sucks. Yes, Rudolph’s own father also very much sucks. Christmastown is full of judgemental assholes, but the weirdness of the Island of…

Citizen Cabin Boy!

Back in the “80's footage of John Wayne Gacy partying in prison was all over the Chicago newscasts. He was filmed smoking joints and doing piles of cocaine with his partner, a small black man who preened about like a sitcom queen. In one scene Gacy removes his shirt to show his breast implants. At least one station…

I’ve been having just as much fun shopping at ebay. Plus I got to tell my wife that I saw 5 RadioShack radios like the one she broke listed at $50. I found ours on top of a garbage can. I also had to admit I saw another listed at $26.99.  

I Chicago we say, “You can’t go farther south than southern Illinois.” South is a state of mind I guess. . .a mostly brain damaged state of mind.

You know who should really hang their heads in shame, the Wayans brothers, for how ridiculous they looked in White Chicks. I normally make it a policy not to drag-shame, but that went too far.

Who does that guy think he is? Cyrus?

My wife and I were talking about getting an instant pot, but then we got a Breville version for our wedding last mont. It came with a chicken basket and rack set up that cooks a four pound bird in about 40 minutes with all the pressure build up and decompression time. You might think that’s not really so fast, but the…

It’s kind of old fashioned, but lots of grocery stores probably have some form of meatloaf mix at the meat counter. My dad used to make a really good loaf with that combo.

My underpants have pockets, but what’s your point.

Pabst, cuz alcohol is a poison. Shouldn’t your beer taste like poison?

There’s a bar around the corner, barely open anymore, they offer $1.50 tall-boys of Pabst. Jesus, I get a hangover before I get drunk off that shit. I don’t say this lightly, but every bit as bad as Old Style. It’s a crime against taste-buds.

He’s probably telling Jesus all about Spiderman now. Sure, Jesus already knows, but what’s Christ gonna do? Interrupt Stan Motherfucking Lee? Also, Jesus never get tired of hearing about Spiderman.

I’ll tell ya what I want, what I really really want. . .I want to miss this just like Posh. Also, check out that shit tattoo on Sporty. She get that in prison? Judging someone by his/her tattoo does not make you a tattooist. 

Someone who’s 1,000 years old. I’ll be 999 this May. 

Will and Grace reruns come on one of the basic cable stations right after Frazier reruns. I started calling it Gay Frazier. My wife made me stop. 

Frazier is finally thawed out in the year 2525 when scientists finally discover a cure for terminal pomposity. Niles, Daphne and Roz are there in hologram form, just as witty as ever. Frazier has moved to the hip city of Portland, but dig this, in Maine. Yeah, crazy twist.

At one point I had the R.M. soundtrack on vinyl, cassette and cd. I wouldn’t know where to look and I’m too stoned to start.

I saw American Graffiti when I was ten. Such a great movie! I was already a huge fan of The Sha Na Nas. Yes, they were my favorite part of Woodstock. Of course I loved the A.G. soundtrack. All that Wolfman Jack stuff is pretty great too.