"THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, before the dawn of man as we knew him, there was Sir Santa of Claus, an ape-like creature making crude and pointless toys out of dinobones and his own waste, hurling them at chimp-like creatures with crinkled hands regardless of how they behaved the previous year. These so-called "toys" were…

HA! HA! HA!

It's like "watching your ex-girlfriend have sex [with Michael Douglas]".

I'm obsessed with Taco Bell's new Loaded Taco Burrito. It's like someone put a burrito inside of a taco and then pulled it inside-out.

It'll just be hours of Trumpbot oscillating between denouncing people critical of him, talking about how smart he is, and bragging about winning the election (which, to be fair, will be his only accomplishment).

Some friends and I went to a party in these iconic baths in Budapest. About an hour in, around the edges, were Europeans and Aussies (presumably since they flood the continent in Summer) having sex. I'm just thankful I never dunked my head. Some water definitely got in my beer though…

They should have just changed all of the wenches' heads to look like Orlando Bloom.

♫I'm chillin'
Never illin'
In my mouth I've got two fillings…
Whatever♫

Well, have you seen Ted Cruz's face? Nightmarish.

Just a confluence of events involving a private email server, Weiner's penis, and a tall FBI director.

If the Suffragettes were alive today, I don't think that they would be so upset. You know — because of Hillary's emails.

It's shitty to nervously hope a movie is good, even if part of that nervousness centers around the idea that men in Hollywood won't try again if it fails. I'm still waiting for that Black Widow movie that we all know would be a lot of fun.

She also left out the "superhero movie" qualifier. I think there's only like that one 80s Supergirl movie, Halle Berry's Catwoman, and Elektra, right? Unless we count the really bad Cinemax softcore movie, Spiderbabe…

I once dated a girl who really like Suburgatory. All I remember from the episode I saw was the prevalence of flannel and eye-rolls.

I think it's about a woman who deals with her company's staff disciplinary issues, during the day, and then turns vigilante, by night, to bring justice to the employees who got off too easily.

She's totally Clueless.

I don't even remember what the show is called, and I just now read the article. She has to do what she can, I guess.

There were loads of female-led movies before this, like Tootsie, Mrs Doubtfire, and Fired Up!.

AND somehow beer will still get spilled on you at every appointment.

I hear he has Ja Rule doing the facial hair. All he can do is make it look like you have three pubic hairs glued to your chin though…