To be fair, I'm 34B and I find sleeping on my stomach impossible. How do you not get a crick in your neck and the small of your back?

Well, you can always have them reduced/removed. It'd definitely require some skin removal as well, but it's an option if she started having problems.

Amen to Courtney (who was a verifiable rock star in her own right, whatever batshit stuff she's done since) but as long as Dave Grohl continues to deny the link between HIV and AIDS, he's got a black mark in my book.

It might be worth throwing in a few hastily-scribbled swastikas around the edges, both to dissuade people from buying such merchandise and to make sure it's visible from a distance what assholes the people who still would buy it are.

I had this toy! I honestly have no idea what my mom was thinking when she bought it, and I bring it up whenever she moans about me not wanting children. Like, sorry mom, but I know how that shit works and I don't have space to keep my giant removable convex belly panel in my house for the rest of my life.

When I was in Sudan, I didn't have a hot water heater, which most of the time was absolutely fine - especially in the afternoon, after the water had been sitting on the roof in the sun, it would come out of the taps absolutely boiling hot. Like, you couldn't pee because the sprayer to wash yourself off with (Sudanese…

Flip a coin. If you feel terrible about what it tells you to do, do the other thing.

Um, you didn't explicitly ask for advice but you should definitely fire your sister from your wedding unless you want people to still be talking about your wedding in 10 years but for all the wrong reasons.

Did that woman never see The Help? If you eat shit and someone writes about it, you DO NOT start screaming at the writer, because that just lets people know you're the one who ate shit!

Ugh. Part of the very reason I'm in the 'never gonna happen' camp about getting married is my mother. When I was young, my half-sister got married and my mom wasn't in the wedding party at all, and I know that hurt my mom's feelings, mostly because she talked about it a LOT. I'm the only other child. But while I love…

But i'm glad to know that your ass remains hands-free...

At least it's not the absolute worst religion/kool-aid combination you could have been raised in.

This reminds me of an Egyptian acquaintance of mine. His wife and he were trying to decide where in Cairo to send their daughter to school. The choices were an English school, an Egyptian/Arabic school, and a French school.

His hand isn't literally jammed up my ass, if that's what you're asking and I think that it is.

Yes. Also all my movements are controlled by Jim Henson's ghost.

Nah, that's Apologeticclaptop reacting unfavorably to alien technology.

I suspect that autocorrect was at play but can I put in a request for Like a Surgeon to become a thing? Because I would listen to that song ALL the fucking time (not a surgeon).

With a backhand like that he'll be ready for the US Open any day now.

I'm gonna have to take issue with you for asserting, repeatedly, that Mike Huckabee thinks.

Fred lacks the strength of his convictions. If I got the chance to be a Sleater-Kinney roadie, then come hell or high water and fuck my Muppet arms, that shit would be lifted.