Allegedly.

your "irrational hatred" is my "exposing the Emperor's new clothes"

Nah, F22 Raptor. It has to be alright to take down the most advanced fighter on the planet.

“confirmed by BuzzFeed News as authentic.”

Unoriginal, but boy is it true.

I’M FLYING, MAC, I’M FLYING!

Waiting at the airport for a flight. There’s a line of about 10 people at the counter that were delayed from an earlier flight. Some dude pushes past the line and screams at the desk agent that, “(He) has to be on this flight! And it has to be first class!” Agent tells him that she can help him but he need to wait in…

“Clothing with names is the #1 thing that leads to kidnapping”

I don’t think he was double speaking, but trying to clarify. He’s been pretty open about things lately.

It’s really oxymoronic.....you make a living off of conspicuous consumption, but you don’t come off as a total popped collar asshole. Bravo sir, bravo—you’re a mystery, wrapped in an enigma.

But, you know, doing something that’s extremely, extremely, extremely difficult.

The Atlantic Ocean Association of Floating Barges just sued SpaceX for unfair direct landing. Florida Republicans promise support.

Fill it with One Direction fans and close it up.

Mathematicians: *drops mic* * puts on sunglasses and walks away slowly as everything explodes behind them*

Holy Fuck you're right. Maybe he was running towards a loaded cannon. Better put 8 rounds in him just be sure.

OMFG. I can't believe I forgot this one - when I was like, 15, I started shaving my pubes into shapes. Like hearts and stars. I used to outline the shape with eyeliner before I got into the shower to make sure I got it right. I wasn't even sexually active, just really ambitious with my little baby bush.

Oh Christ, where do I begin?

Well, my now husband and were having pizza one afternoon. After we were done eating, one thing lead to another and I starting giving him a good ol BJ. I was horny, so was he, so I got on top and started riding away, enjoying ourselves. Then I felt a slight burning sensation. I was like, oh whatever, it'll go away.…

I went on a whale watch in Maine with my family when I was like thirteen (and thus easily embarrassed). Welp, the waves were more than almost everyone on board could handle and the whole boat became a giant puke machine as literally like 95% of the passengers and crew started barfing, into barf bags or wherever it…