EAR

One of the things that drives me nuts about being in the bar business is how many shot glasses we go through. People steal them and smuggle them out left and right. Expensive as hell.

• “AT A PARTY HAVING FUN WITH HIS MALE FRIENDS WHEN ONE PUT A SHOT GLASS UP HIS RECTUM”

Just laughed and said coaxial cable in front of four kids and my in laws. This should lead to a great explanation.

Gather ‘round, kids.

Nothing says you’ve got poor hygiene quite like your ‘experimenting’ friends stuffing and leaving an air freshener up your ass.

“STUCK A TOY UP HIS RECTUM BECAUSE HE THOUGHT HE WAS CONSTIPATED”....suuuuuure that’s the reason.

“SWALLOWED A PEN BECAUSE NO ONE PAID ATTENTION TO HIM”

I cant wait to take full advantage of that gigabit speed with my 4 gb data allowance... and its gone.

Similar sensation can be achieved without the need to open your window: just throw a pint of ice water over your face every three miles or so.

Thanks for checking in, Ashley

I appreciated her steadfast refusal to learn or care about any sport the entire time she wrote for Deadspin. Will miss her unique voice.

I clearly am not putting enough energy into wearing pants.

The interesting thing is this was just one guy.

I love oblique deadpan sarcasm in official documents. It’s one of my favorite things?

“Per patient” is ED charting speak for “this patient is full of shit.”

“PUT A PENCIL UP RECTUM TO MAKE BOWEL MOVEMENT TO GET GAUZE PATIENT SWALLOWED TO COME OUT”

/checks vagina

• BROOM

Is there any way we can gather all these people in the same room? I have some follow up questions.