I would think the league front office is nothing but lax bros w/ JD’s, hence the blatant stupidity.

Jack Perconte. When he would draw a walk, he’d sprint to first like Charlie fuckin’ Hustle.

I thought “Max Heit” was Tim Kurkjian’s original nom de plume.

#NoOneCaresAboutYourFantasyTeam

Maybe Ausmus asked if Gardner’s power surge this year has something to do with his hat size almost doubling?

It’s called Vitamin Z, and he is made entirely of it.

This would be the second time in three years that the Phillies ended up with the worst record in baseball, giving fans bad flashbacks to the late-90s Phillies.

It’s a Tom Lehrer song come to life!

It really does sound like something a chronic inebriate like Stanhope would do. I’m amazed that dude makes it to gigs and/or doesn’t just pass out on stage.

I’m going to look at it through a stand of very leafy trees, just like Aristotle (The ISO OG) would have wanted.

Peter Norman approves this message:

Can’t it just be replaced with a statue of Jimmy Page?

Gin contains juniper berries, which, if eaten directly, are poisonous.

I’m enjoying the strained use of “All Rise” instead of the more obvious and fun “Here come da Judge”. I guess even acknowledging Pigmeat Markham in 2017 is too much to ask for.

Also, fat people can’t dunk. Most of our former high school basketball teams are fat now, like everyone else. Fat people can hit, however:

Until now, the name “Rhys Hoskins” just sounded like another guy who has played Doctor Who.

“To be the man, you gotta beat....”

He looks fine now, but let’s check back in on him in 3 days and see if he can still get up in the morning.

Pictured: Korie Harris

Who Hade You?