Man, this guy just can't stay healthy.

Obligatory

Cop: "Who stabbed you?"

Once again, we have a headline that's terribly misleading. Barely any of these animals have hands.

Yep

I wonder if Corey Crawford is sending him a gift basket right now.

Calm down Nikola.

Refs should have called an offensive foul for Force pushing. I find his lack of ankles disturbing.

OK, we're even now.

Philosophy at work. Well done.

What can I say, your logic was infallible.

There's a Kessel Run over joke in here somewhere, dammit.

The Satanists scare me less than the Christians.

It could have been worse: he could have not hurt anything at a Nickelback concert.

Missing one step isn't all that bad. Patrick Kane missed all 12 of them.

It's this season's "if we persecute the Christians any more than we already do..."

if we're being fair, these stories are a lot better than the recent high school reunion ones. Not that the bar was set very high, but...

Oh no. No no no no no.

"it is not the violent thugs burning down buildings that buy their advertiser's products"